Love Yourself

                You will be hearing the name Carolanne Miljavac from me a lot in the next few months, not just because I read her upcoming book, but also because I think she is such an amazing motivational speaker. Anybody who knows me, in person, knows that I am overweight. I have tried so hard to lose weight, and have been successful to a point, all to only gain it back. Usually plus more with it. About a month or so ago, I was thinking about my weight, and my health, and my trach (see first few blog posts for more info on this). I knew that I need to lose weight, especially because my ENT told me that losing weight would go a long way in getting the trach removed. We had been to the lake that day, and I had already had a small hot fudge sundae, nut on the way home I got an order of fries to eat, even though I wasn’t hungry. I posted in a Facebook group I’m in asking what was wrong with me that I cannot eat right. A friend responded that nothing was wrong with me. She said that I needed to get to the root cause of my eating problem. (Thanks Sandy!) A few weeks later, Carolanne posted about loving yourself and how when you don’t love yourself, you don’t take care of yourself like you should. It was like God tapped me on the should, said uhhmmmm pay attention to this! I realized after reading what she wrote that I do not love myself. In that moment, I resolved to work on that. I realized that if somebody talked to my daughters’ the way that I talk to myself, then I would be spitting mad. I think God feels the same way. God loves me and thinks I’m to die for. (pun intended) For that reason only, I should love myself, because He loves me so completely, and unconditionally.

                Now, I know what you are wondering. “How in the world do you go about starting to love yourself?” This question reminds me of a quote from Carolanne in her new book. I really hope its ok to quote this because I really believe it will help. She was describing her fear of public speaking and how people ask her how she does it. She said” There is no how. I’ve decided.” I realized the same goes for loving yourself. You just make the decision to love yourself. Make the decision that you are enough. Make the decision that you are beautiful. Make the decision that you are special, that you are worthy, that you are loved. Is it really that easy? Yes and no. Well gee that’s clear as mud, right? Lol. You may have to decide to love yourself every single day, multiple times a day. I certainly know that I do.

                Now that we have decided to love ourselves, comes the age-old question, ‘Now what?”. How do we go about the actions of loving ourselves? Again, I reference Carolanne Miljavac. I had already planned this post before today. It has been in the works for a few weeks now. This morning I wake up, check Facebook, and Carolanne had shared an old video of hers talking about self-love. I will try to post a link to that video at the end of this post. What she said is that you must practice personal development. You must know who you are, what your dreams are, what your passions are. One thing that is helpful in this is journaling. You learn a lot about yourself when you read back through some old journals. Also listen to and read uplifting and inspiring podcasts, sermons, and books. I suggest you start in the Bible. Find out what the Bible says about who you are. There are also many preachers, speakers, and writers who are amazing. Whenever you have free time, pick up a good book. If you are cleaning, or exercising, or whatever, have a podcast or sermon going. Books I recommend are Oddly Enough by Carolanne Miljavac, of course, available on November 1^st. Fervent by Priscilla Shirer, and I’m reading Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod right now and it seems to be good so far. (It is a recommendation from Carolanne). I love to listen to and read Heidi St. John, Tony Evans, don’t forget to get his new book Warfare coming out on Sept 1, Lisa and John Bevere, Beth Moore, Max Lucado, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Steven Furtick, Lysa TerKuerst, Elisa Pulliam, Nick Vujicic, Nicki Koziarz, and Sheila Walsh. The most important things that you can do to love yourself more in strengthen your relationship with God. Pray, read His Word daily, and make spending time with Him a priority.

                Here is the link to the Carolanne Miljavac video that I referenced earlier. Its 41 minutes long, but definitely worth the watch. 

The Way I See It

A few weeks ago, my girls and I followed our youth praise band, Decrease, to a youth rally they were playing at. (*Sidenote: Please support your youth group and their endeavors to spread Christ to others.) Anyways, they sang the song "Do it Again" by Elevation Worship. The first verse says "Walking around these walls I thought by now they'd fall. But You have never failed me yet. Waiting for change to come. Knowing the battle's won. For You have never failed me yet." These words got me to thinking about the past 4 months. I was hoping for more improvement by now, and to be able to take the trach out by the end of the year. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen, but I'm reminded that God has never failed me. There are still lessons to learn through this trial, and there are still people to encourage. I must always remember that God has never failed me, and that His timing is perfect.

I was encouraged today at my ENT appt. My doctor asked me how I was doing and what my rheumatologist has set up for my treatment. I said "I go through another round of Rituxin starting at the end of October, and I'm down to 5mg of prednisone. That and lots of prayer." He looked up and smiled at me. Before he walked out of the room he said "Keep thriving and keep praying for healing and a cure for this." Having this disease is tough,  having a trach is even tougher, but having such an amazing doctor by my side, determined to do all that he can do to help me, well that is an amazing blessing.

God doesn't cause the storms in our lives, but He does allow them. Storms serve a purpose in our lives, they help us to grow. Romans 8:28 "says that ALL things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose" (emphasis mine) I'm starting to get an idea of what that "good" might be for me, or at least part of it. Don't give up when life throws you curve balls. Hold on to God and ask Him what the lesson(s) is/are that you need to learn for it. One last reminder. I recently came across a few verses that blew me away when I grasped what they said. The first one is 2 Peter 1:3 and says "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness." Let's also make sure to see the part that says "through our knowledge of Him". This is one reason it is so very important to be in your Bible, soaking up His Word, on a daily basis. The next is Ephesians 1:3 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with EVERY spiritual blessing in Christ." (Emphasis mine). This should get you excited. These verses tell me that God has ALREADY given me EVERYTHING  that I need to live a victorious life with Him. We are already victorious. We have already won the war, we just have to win the battles. And God gives us what we need to win those battles. We just have to trust in Him.

So Far So Good

It has been awhile since I have updated. The past month and a half have been absolutely crazy. In June, I started my Rituxin infusions for GPA (Granulomatosis polyangitis), also known as Wegener's Disease. I had 4 infusions, 1 a week for 4 weeks. I ended up having some side effects. I had digestive issues, including nausea, and really bad fatigue. At one point I slept for 3 days straight. I'm still struggling with nausea off and on, and the fatigue is sometimes unbearable. After I started feeling somewhat normal, I ended up with an abcess the size of a half dollar, on my stomach. With my immune system being off from the Rituxin, it was surprising, but it did need to be handled carefully. That was also the week that my girls were gone on a mission trip to North Carolina. That was a very stressful week for many reasons. And my girls brought home a souvenir, an upper respiratory tract infection. This one is pretty rough, even on them. I have seen my primary care doctor twice since my infusions. I am now on 3 different diabetes medicines,  including insulin. All the stress my body is going through, and the steroids I'm having to take has my blood sugar up in the 300 and 400 range. It's recently come down to the 200s. I did get some good news from my ENT. He said that the inflammation in my trachea is better. It has opened up from less than 4mm to almost 6 mm.

In my last post I promised to share some things I have learned these past few months. Well here they are.

1. Some things are just not that important.

What I mean by this is that I have a limited supply of energy. Do I want to spend it on putting clothes away, or spending time with my family? Do I spend it on a desperately needed shower, or making sure that everything gets done? Different people have their own preferences on this. For example, my husband hates the dirty dishes being piled up in the sink, so I try to make that a priority.

2. Ask for help and take help when needed.

Again, I have a limited supply of energy. I cannot do everything by myself. I need help. I was so blessed to have so many people bring meals when I came home from the hospital. They even offered to come clean the house. I am so thankful for the help my family, husband and girls, have given.

3. I must take care of myself.

I recently realized that I don't love myself. I have self-confidence and self-esteem issues, I don't believe what the Bible says about me, and I just don't love myself. And it shows. In learning to love myself, I need to make sure that taking care of myself is a priority. I need to focus on personal hygiene, (taking a shower has become seriously complicates and requires a lot more energy than it used to) cleaning and taking care of my trach, Bible study and prayer time, eating right, taking my medicines, getting enough sleep/rest, and getting exercise. If I don't take care of myself, I will not be able to fully tale care of anybody else, or do what God has called me to do.

So these are just a few things I have learned these past few months. I will try to share more in future posts.

Recently my girls and I have started The Armor of God Bible study by Priscilla Shirer, and I have also been invited to preview Heidi St. John's upcoming book Prayers for the Battlefield. I will be sharing my thoughts and little tidbits from these books in my blog also. I hope you all have a great day.