Some More Soul Searching

 I’m going to come right out, and say it, I have a big problem with pride. I used to think I didn’t, but God has been working on me, and showing me the ways that pride shows up in me. Pride is thinking of yourself too much. There are many ways that pride shows up in my life. I have always been a shy, introverted person. A few years ago, God showed me how being shy, a certain kind of shy, is actually pride. When all I’m thinking about is how other people are thinking about me, that is pride. If I’m constantly thinking that other people think I’m horrible, or that they are making fun of me, then I’m constantly thinking about me, and that is pride. People pleasing is pride. I tend to think more about what others think about me, than what God thinks about me. I care more about others, than about God. 

Then there is the other side of pride, thinking that I’m better than others, and being judgmental. I often catch myself feeling upset with another person because of something that person did. It really pushes my buttons when people park in a parking spot that isn’t for them. Whether it’s not a parking spot at all, a handicap spot, or a curbside pick up spot, and someone parks there then goes inside the store. Often God has to remind me, in these instances, that I do things I’m not supposed to as well, and I am no better than they are. No sin is greater than any other, we are all sinners. 

I think one of the biggest pride areas I struggle with is control. I have a really bad control issue. It comes from childhood, and adult trauma, which is a reason, but not an excuse. When I try to control things, I’m essentially saying my way is better, I am better, you are not. Lately, when I am struggling with control, God has been asking me, “what’s the worse thing that can happen if this doesn’t get done your way?” And honestly that stings a bit. It’s not the end of the world if things don’t get done the way I think they should be done. If it doesn’t affect my salvation, or another person’s salvation, then I don’t need to be so rigid about it. 

God really spoke to me about this while studying for this week’s Sunday School lesson. The lesson is in 2 Corinthians and is about Paul, and his thorn in the flesh. Here is the passage “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” II Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭7‬-‭9‬ ‭ Paul states that God gave him the thorn in the flesh to keep him from being prideful. God doesn’t leave it there though. God tells Paul that He will take care of Him. I was doing some digging into these verses, one of my commentaries stated that to acknowledge that God is sufficient, we must also acknowledge that we are insufficient. That stung, but I had to realize that I don’t got this, I’m not sufficient, and I need help. Specifically I need God’s help. I cannot do it. When I admit this, and accept God’s Grace, and help in my life, it makes it so much easier. Now, I just have to remember these lessons that God has been teaching me lately, which is a tough job in itself. I often tend to revert back to habit, instead of relying on what I have learned in the past.