The Mental Load is Real!

 Do you ever get so overwhelmed with everything thing you have to do and remember, and all the decisions that you have to make? I do! Just yesterday I was trying to decide if I wanted to watch a movie or read a book. I went on Disney Plus, to try to find a movie, but quickly gave up, because I got so overwhelmed with all of the choices. It’s the same way when I try to read a book. I get so overwhelmed with all the choices, that I give up, unless I have a specific one in mind that I want to read. So I did what Hermione Granger would do, and I went to the library, well Google anyways, and researched why I can’t make decisions. 

   There were several reasons that I think apply to why I get decision paralysis, the first one is anxiety, I’m afraid of making the wrong decision, and then getting in trouble for it. That comes from childhood trauma, of course. 

  The second reason  is the amount of items I have to choose from. It’s so much easier to choose when the number is smaller. If I walk into a bookstore, I get so overwhelmed with the amount of books, that I usually just walk around and then leave, unless I go in for something specific. That applies to Disney Plus and Hulu also. I get so overwhelmed with the amount of movies to choose from that I just exit the app and give up on watching a movie, or I go to my Fandango app and watch a movie I have already seen 15 million times. 

   Another reason for decision paralysis is perfectionism, what if I pick the wrong movie or book or whatever? What if it’s the wrong choice? I know that when it comes to books and movies, picking the wrong one really isn’t that big of a deal. For me, though, if I have to buy a book or movie and I don’t like it, and don’t finish it, then I feel guilty because I wasted money on it. 

  Another I get decision paralysis is because of daily stress in life. The more stressed or exhausted I am, the worse the decision paralysis is, which then causes more stress for me, and the cycle continues. 

Then, of course, you have a the whole mental load, in general. The more exhausted I am physical and mentally, the worse my decision making skills are. When I’m having to remember drs appts, grocery lists, to do lists, church stuff, personal stuff, my family’s stuff, and everything else I tend to shut down at times. Mental load is a big factor for so many people, especially women because they, usually, take care of the household and have to juggle and remember so many things. To those other women who struggle with the mental load, and/or decision paralysis, I want you to know that you are not alone, and you are seen. God sees you and He hears you. When you are feeling exhausted and the mental load is weighing heavily on you, take a few moments to sit and be still before God. Say a prayer, read scripture, sit in nature, or sing some praise and worship songs. It helps…God helps. 

Healthcare Needs An Overhaul

    I’m in several support groups, on Facebook, for my chronic health issues. One is for dysautonomia, and I saw a question posted this morning that really upset me. I’m not upset with the person who asked the question, I’m upset with healthcare in general. The questions was, “What has changed for you after being officially diagnosed?” My answer was, absolutely nothing. I didn’t even get a specific diagnosis, I was told it was “just general dysautonomia” and that I “could try flydrocortizone”. If I didn’t know how to research and ask questions, then I would have no idea how to even take care of myself right now. It was the same way with my celiac diagnosis. Three weeks after the test was done I messaged my doctor and was told “oh yeah it seems you do have celiac disease. Go gluten free.”, and that was it. If you have had to go gluten free, then you know how hard that is. Gluten is hidden in everything. Again, if I didn’t know how to research and ask questions then I would be in so much trouble. It’s so very sad that healthcare professionals can’t do better than this. It’s pretty much, here is your diagnosis now figure the rest out for yourself. When I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease that was causing my breathing issues, it was by my ENT, not a rheumatologist who is supposed to diagnose autoimmune diseases. My ENT went out of his way to research and diagnose me so that I could know what was going on. If a previous pulmonologist was doing his job, and would have done lung function tests instead of just diagnosing asthma, without any testing, then he would have caught on to the fact that I didn’t have asthma, I had something else. This could have been found years earlier and may have even prevented me having to have a trach for over a year and a half. Our healthcare system really needs to do better. I could go on and on about this, but I’m going to leave it here for now. Please, research for yourself when it comes to your health, and be your own advocate. Don’t ever give up, don’t let medical professionals gaslight you, and keep fighting for you. 

We Are All a Dumpster Fire

 My husband and I started watching The Hunger Games series on Saturday. I finished Mockingjay Part 2 today, and decided to watch The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, that probably should have been our first movie, but oh well. While watching the movie, I thought, “the problem with the Capital people is that they think they are better than those who live in the districts”. That’s the problem with our society today also. People who have money, think they are better than those who don’t have a lot of money. People who use good grammar, think they are better than those whose grammar may not be as good. People who pretend their lives are perfect, think they are better than those who,  freely,  admit they are just a dumpster fire. Honestly, I struggle with this myself. I don’t intentionally do it, but I often find myself thinking that I’m doing such and such and that person isn’t, or that person isn’t doing such and such, but I am. In reality I’m just down there in the dumpster fire right along with everyone else. I’m a sinner, just like everyone else is. There is only one difference in me, and some other people, and that is the blood of Jesus Christ. That doesn’t make me any better than those other people though. That makes me a sinner in need of a Savior, just like everyone else. I am so thankful for a loving Savior Who, willingly, came to Earth, as a man, was humiliated, tortured, and murdered on a cross, all so that my sins would be washed away and I could spend all eternity in Heaven with Him. It’s funny how movies can make you think about yourself, and your own life. How they can convict you of your sins. See y’all, even movies like The Hunger Games series, can bring us closer to God, if we just listen to that still, small voice when He speaks to us. 

Generational Curses

   I had a therapy appointment this morning. We mostly talked about what has been going on, in my life, the past month. Then we started discussing my bio mom, and some texts I received from her a few weeks ago. A little background on my bio mom. My parents divorced when I was 3, and my dad had custody of me. She lost contact with us when I was 6, and I didn’t know her or speak with her again until I was 18. The relationship has been extremely rocky. She is narcissistic, and verbally and emotionally abusive. It took me a long time to start setting boundaries with her, and she didn’t like it when I did. I have gone “no contact” with her several times, and after a while I would try again. The attempts to have a healthy relationship with her never went well. Two years ago, I went “no contact” again, and, other than a quick Happy Mother’s Day text, we haven’t spoken. Until a few weeks ago when she texted me. She wanted something from me, and when I wouldn’t give it to her, she started attacking me and became verbally abusive. I ended up having to block her number, she has been blocked on all social media for many years. So, I was telling my therapist about this, and I told her that I hated going “no contact”, and I hated having to block my bio mom. I really want a, healthy, relationship with her, but I don’t want this toxic relationship that we now have. One thing I have learned, when dealing with my bio mom, is that if I continue the toxic relationship with her, then I end up lashing out and say or do things I shouldn’t. It is more Christian, and more loving, to go “no contact” so that I don’t disrespect God, by disrespecting her. Aside from that, God doesn’t want me to stay in an busier relationship. When people threw stones at Jesus, He didn’t stand there and take it. He walked away. 

   I also had to go “no contact” with my step mom, who raised me. I realized, a few years back, that you can heal in the same toxic environment that hurt you. If I continued to allow her emotional and verbal abuse in my life, then I wouldn’t be able to heal from that emotions and verbal abuse, as well as from the neglect that I endured during my childhood. She passed away in May of 2024, and it really hurt my heart. I did still love her, even though she was abusive. It’s weird how that works. I did end up getting to tell her I loved her, and thank her for raising me. She was 20 years older than my dad, and had already raised 5 kids. She didn’t have to take me on as well, but she did, and I recognize that, and thank her for that.  I fully believe that she had severe mental health issues, and that is what caused her to be abusive to me. This isn’t an excuse. Her mental health issues don’t excuse her abuse, but it does help me to understand her more.

   As I am awaiting my first grand baby, our youngest is expecting in January, so I reflect on my mothers. I didn’t have a happy childhood, and I have never, really, had a mother figure who wasn’t abusive. I am healing from this abuse, and while I haven’t been the best mom myself, I do know that I have been better than my mothers were to me, and I want my girls to be even better moms than I was. As I am healing, I hope that I am, at least, loosening the chains on the generational curses that have been passed on through my family. I pray for my girls, that they can completely break those chains, and be free from those generational curses. I know that, with God, anything is possible. He can heal all kinds of emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and relational wounds, and I know that He is with me, healing my wounds, and He is with my girls, healing their wounds as well. 

Half Done is Better than Not Done At All

 Did I put dirty dishes into the dishwasher with clean dishes, and re run them all, because I’m sick, and didn’t feel like emptying the dishwasher? Yep. Did I do that 2 nights in a row? Absolutely! Does that make me lazy? Nope, not even a little bit. We have to get over the part where we shame people for doing what they need to do to survive. Why do socks have to be matched? Why does underwear have to be folded? And why does everything have to be spotless? People live here, so why shouldn’t my home reflect that? I have heard the saying that “if you are going to do it then you need to do it right”. A saying I like much better is, “half done is better than not done at all.” Let’s face it, we all struggle. People work, children attend sports, and things happen. Let’s not put more on other people by being judgmental about how they do things. How clean my house is doesn’t reflect who I am, as a person, and it doesn’t affect my salvation, so I shouldn’t be judged, or shamed for it. I used to be really bad about thinking my house needed to be perfect, or I was a failure. Now I know better than that garbage. I do what I have to do, to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my family, and if that means I cut corners in certain areas, then so be it. Especially when I’m sick on top of chronic illness. A book I really love, that can help with this, is How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s meant for people with ADHD, but I think it works well for people who have chronic illness, or just struggle in general. And if you see someone whose house isn’t as clean as you think it should be, then offer to help out and clean it, instead of being critical and judgmental about it. People are struggling daily, we shouldn’t make their struggle even worse. 

Getting To Know Myself

 I used to think that I didn’t mind being alone, but I have realized that I am wrong. A few weeks ago I told my self that, although I don’t like going places alone, I didn’t mind being alone. Yesterday, I realized that I do not like being alone. I’m wondering if this comes from being neglected, and, essentially, abandoned as a child. Maybe it comes from something else, or maybe from multiple sources. I really don’t know. What’s really strange about this is that, although I don’t like being alone, when things get rough I tend to isolate myself. It may be a, I’m going to leave you before you leave me, kinda thing. When things get rough I begin to feel like I’m a burden and nobody wants to deal with my mess. I remember spending a lot of time alone as I was growing up, and I have never really had many friends. I felt that my feelings didn’t matter, or they were a burden to those around me, so I turned into my turtle shell, and isolated myself from others. It’s funny how, the thing I don’t like, is the thing I do when I absolutely shouldn’t. It is when things are rough that I need people the most. That’s another trauma thing that I need to work through, with God’s help. As I’m learning more about myself, I’m revealing more and more trauma issues, and more things that need to be healed. That’s a good thing though, because what I don’t acknowledge can’t be healed. 

Faith

   Hebrews 11 talks about faith, and how many of the people in the Bible exhibited faith. Faith doesn’t mean that we believe and everything is perfectly fine. Faith means that, no matter what we go through, we know that God has us, and that He will work it out for our good, and His glory. I had someone tell me that God doesn’t want me to be sick, and I needed to pray more, and have more faith, and God would heal me. Well this is wrong in so many ways. This is prosperity gospel, and it is WRONG. The Bible doesn’t promise us an easy, trial free life. In fact, the Bible tells us that “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). It goes on to say that we should “take heart, I have overcome the world.” This means that we will have storms and trials in our life, but we can have faith that God will be there for us and take care of us. As for the statement that God doesn’t want me to be sick, well God can, and will, use anything and everything to get my attention, to teach me what I need to know, and to make me more like Him. 

   Something that my pastor said awhile back really caught my attention. It is something that I remind myself of often when I’m struggling with the storms in my life. He said that, for the born again Christian, this world is the only Hell that we will ever know. The storms and trials, that I go through in this life, is the worst that it is ever going to get for me. One day I will be in Heaven with my Heavenly Father, and things will be perfect for all eternity. This statement also is a little sad off for me, because the opposite is true for the unbeliever. For those who are not saved, this world is the only Heaven they will ever know. This makes me pray even harder for my friends, and family to be saved. I may not see it, but I can know that God wants all people to be saved. That doesn’t mean that all people will come to Him, but it does mean that He wants all people to come to Him. So, I can have faith that God will give those people I love, every opportunity to come to Him. 

   Faith is hard to have at times, I definitely know that. We have to stay in God’s Word, and stay in communication(prayer) with Him, and He will increase our faith. Another way that God increases our faith is by the storms and trials that we go through. He shows us that He is there for us. There is always something good in everything. All you have to do is ask God to show you that good, and He will. Take a look back through your life, you can see all the times that God has been there. He has helped you, and guided you through each and every trial and storm. Ask God to show you all the times that He has been there for you. Just ask God to open your eyes, and prepared to be awed.