What Would You Wish For?

 The other day l, I was thinking about what I would wish for if I found a genie that would grant me three wishes. My first thought was that I want to be healthy and not have to struggle health wise anymore. Then I thought about what all I have learned through my health struggles and how I have grown through them as well. Would I really trade that growth and learning in? I’m not sure that I would. It makes me think about something that my psychology instructor, at Bevill, told my class once. She has cerebral palsy, and said that if she could go back and change her health, she wouldn’t change a thing, because the cerebral palsy helped to make her who she is today. That is kind of how I feel about my health struggles. If I could learn what I needed to learn and grow how I need to grow without these health struggles, I would definitely take that, but God knows what I need for me to learn and grow. God uses what He knows will work and will get our attention. Now, I’m not saying He causes these things, but He will use them for our good and His glory. So, until the day where I can’t learn and grow from my health issues, I’m going to ask myself what God is trying to teach me through each and every struggle, and each and every day. I pray that God will open my eyes to the lessons, and growth opportunities each day. That He will help me to use everything that He has already given me, to lead a successful life according to Him. I hope you all have a great week, and I pray that God will show you the lessons and growth opportunities from each struggle that you face this week. 

Life Is Rough

   Life has been rough lately, but let’s face it, life is rough the majority of the time. The Bible even says that we will have troubles in life, but it also promises that God will be there with us through those troubles. I remember a discussion in a college literature class about who had it more rough, Christians or non Christians. My argument is that non Christians have it more rough because they don’t have the presence of God with them. Christians do have the presence of God, in the form of the Holy Spirit. What’s even better than that is that, for a Christian, this life on Earth is the only Hell we will ever know. The sad part about that is, for non Christians, this life on Earth is the only Heaven they will ever know. Non christians, unless they believe and receive salvation, will never experience the all consuming presence and power of God. The very thing that makes Hell, Hell is the complete and utter absence of the presence of God. 

  I find comfort in the fact that, no matter what I’m going through here on Earth, this is the absolute worst it will get for me. I also find comfort in the fact that I have an ever present Father Who has promised to always be there for me. I have an Immanuel, God with us. On the other hand, my heart breaks for those who do not have that. Those who are not saved, and don’t have the assurance of, one day, going to Heaven to spend all eternity with God. For these people I pray often. I pray that they will know the love and presence of God, and that they will believe and receive salvation. I pray that I will, one day, see them in Heaven. If you have not believed and received salvation, and you want to talk, then please contact me. I will try my best to answer questions or walk you through believing and receiving salvation. It would be an honor to do so. 

Let’s Celebrate!

 It seems that, rarely, do we have a cause to celebrate anymore. People are tired and weighed down, and may not even have the energy to celebrate even if they had a reason. I say that we find reasons to celebrate. We need to celebrate ourselves. We need to celebrate our successes, no matter how weird or small they are. If we aren’t going to celebrate ourselves, then who will?

I’m learning, slowly, to celebrate my successes. Especially the small ones that don’t really seem that big, but really are. Those small acts of courage I accomplish on a daily basis deserve to be celebrated. The times that I get up and go, or I get up and do, even when I just want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep all day, deserve to be celebrated. Why not celebrating them? Why not take the time to be proud of yourself and encourage yourself?

I try to take a few minutes every day to think of small, or big, successes during the day. Honestly, I don’t always do this, but I want to make it more of a habit. Just this morning I was thinking about something that happened, the other day, and realized that I handled it much better than I would have in the past. I recognized that I was overwhelmed, and then, after a time of thinking, I was able to articulate what I was feeling and why. Past me would have had a full blown come apart and snapped at everyone and not known why. This time it was just a partial come apart. I decided that, even though I didn’t handle the situation as best as I could have, that there was still cause for celebration for handling it better than I would have. So take some time to celebrate yourself today, and more often. You are worth celebrating.  

Let’s Talk Relationships

 My husband and I were watching a movie, on Saturday, about a woman who had gone to prison for twenty years. When she got out of prison she didn’t really have anyone in her life except her parole officer. At one point she broke down, cussing and yelling, at some people. She was screaming, “you can’t just act like I don’t exist, I do exist.” This scene made me think about how detrimental isolation is to us. This topic intrigued me, and I love to do research, so I decided to do some research on this. We all know, from Covid distancing protocols, that isolation can cause many issues. An article by Tulane University (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/ce-corner-isolation ) states that “social isolation has been linked to heightened risks of depression, anxiety, and cognitive decline.” Another article on apa.org (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/ce-corner-isolation ) cites a meta-analysis which says that, “lack of social connection heightens health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or having alcohol use disorder. She also found the loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity.” (This meta-analysis was co-authored by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience Brigham Young University.  I tried to access the whole article to give a link to it, but the full article is paid access only.)

Even the Bible tells us that relationships are important. Hebrews 10:25 says, “not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much more as you see the Day approaching.” The reason for going to church is so that we have relationships. It’s so that we have other people who can exhort, or encourage, us. We need people to encourage us, and to pray for us. In Genesis God says, “it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Genesis 2:18) God gave Adam a helper, Eve, because it wasn’t good that Adam be alone. Some of my favorite vereses about relationships are found in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. They says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” These scriptures say so much. We need others to help us in our labors, to hold us accountable and encourage us when we mess up, and to help us in life in general. When we are paired with other people we are not as easily taken down. When we agree in prayer with other people, our prayers are more powerful. And when we come together with others to serve and worship God, the Bible says that He is in our midst. (Matthew 18:20)

Ok, what is the point in all of this? I just wanted to point out, to you as well as to myself, that relationships are extremely important. If you read my last blog post, you saw how I was able to start clawing myself out of a dark depression that had been holding on to me for months, simply by allowing other people into my struggles. I am the world’s worst about isolating myself, especially when times get tough. Although, when times are tough is when I need community even more. I also find it really hard to trust people, I overthink things, and I often worry that people are mad at me. So much trauma in my past has caused me to believe that I’m too much, nobody really wants to be friends with me, and that I’m better off alone. This is all a lie, but Satan uses whatever he can to isolate us, especially from other Christians. He uses our past traumas and our insecurities to whisper lies in our head. It’s our job to recognize them as the lies that they are, and to challenge those lies with God’s truth. 

I don’t have many friends at the moment, mostly because I have pushed people away or I have built walls up so that people couldn’t get past them. It’s a struggle to allow people in, I just don’t want to get hurt again. So many people, who I thought were friends, turned out to not be a friend. I have been abandoned as a friend because I have had a different opinion on a topic, because we couldn’t seem to work together, and because I called them out on something that they didn’t like being called out on. I am working on tearing down those walls though. I want to have the deep, genuine, non-judgemental friendships that will help bring me closer to Christ. I want friends like the paralyzed man in the book of Luke. He couldn’t get to Jesus, for many reasons, so his friends carried his stretcher up on top of a roof, tore the top of the roof off, and lowered him down in front of Jesus. Because this man had friends like these, not only was he healed, but he received the best healing of all, spiritual healing. He was forgiven of all his sins, because his friends were brave and bold enough to take him to Jesus. That’s the kind of friends that I want. I know they are out there, I just have to tear down my concrete walls and build welcoming fences in their place. In the meantime I will hold on to the greatest friend any of us could ever have, Jesus. 

It’s Time to Take Off the Mask

 Lately I have been feeling so very lonely, unseen, and unheard. I decided that I wanted to start writing again, to really focus on my blog and to be authentic and vulnerable. I started being real, with myself and with those around me, telling how I really feel, and how my life really is. Do you know what happened? Once I put myself out there and started being authentic? Well let’s just say that I no longer feel so alone. I have people praying for me, coming up to me and asking how I am doing, and telling me to let them know how they can help, and so many have said to me, “me too!”. I’m not the only one who deals with life issues, with depression, anxiety, and chronic health issues. When I put myself out there and became real with those I interact with, not only do they feel seen and heard, but I feel seen and heard, and far less lonely. I feel seen and heard with just two small words, “me too”.

In writing this, I have realized that somewhere in my 42+ years of life I have learned to feel shame in reaching out for support and admitting that I am not ok. I was taught that admitting I’m not ok, in reaching out and asking for help, that I was attention seeking and selfish. It wasn’t until I saw a Facebook post that said  we, as a society, need to learn to look at those reaching out and speaking about their issues, not as attention seeking but as support seeking, that I realized that I can talk about how I really am and that I can be authentic. Brene Brown, a shame researcher and licensed social worker, says that when we speak out about what we are ashamed of, will it begin to loosen its grip on us. Now hear me clearly here. I am not saying that we should go out and shout our lives from the rooftops and tell everybody everything. We must be prayerfully selective about what we share and who we share it to. There will be people who will take what I say and use it against me as ammunition if I’m not careful. And there are always those people who will say that I shouldn’t be talking about any of it. They believe that we should always appear perfect and put together. Newsflash! None of us or perfect or completely put together. These thoughts of keeping it all inside and never talking about it is detrimental to our health. It is silencing those who may be able to say “me too”, and it cuts off the relationships and support that we may have, and need desperately, that can help us through the tough times. Being authentic, being the person that God made me to be, taking off my mask and showing my real self, is extremely important, and it is extremely freeing. Don’t you realize how exhausting it is to constantly be wearing a mask?

Since I have decided to be more authentic in life I have realized that I feel so much better, both mentally/emotionally and physically. I’m still struggling, but it is so much better than it was when I was trying to pretend to be ok and wear my mask at all times. I feel so free, and I feel like I’m not alone anymore. I hope my words have encouraged you to take off your mask and be more authentic. 

Reframing My Thinking

 Do you need to reframe your thinking? I know I definitely do. I tend to lean towards way overthinking things and catastrophizing thinking. For example, we had a bad water leak back in the early Spring. I heard a loud sound, went looking for the object of said sound, determined it was something upstairs, and went about my business. Probably a good 20 minutes later I went to go into our master suite and there was water everywhere. The pipe under one of the bathroom sinks had pooped off and was spewing water in every direction. I immediately started snicker. By the time I got the water turned off it hadTl been flowing full force for a good 30-45 minutes. It was horrible and the damage was awful. It was going to be so expensive to fix. We just wouldn’t recovering from it. We couldn’t even get the water up out of the floor because towels and a mop wasn’t enough.  Well, that was my thinking anyways. It turns out we got the water up with all the towels in the house, and a mop and bucket. We assessed the damage and determined that the only damage was the flooring in our bedroom was badly waterlogged and needed replacing. That was it! So I overreacted quite a bit in that situation. But I tend to overreact and overthink often. If I have something that I need to do I tell myself it’s going to be so exhausting and I’m going to feel so awful afterwards, and then it ends up not being half as bad as I told myself it would be. I can go on and on with examples, but I think you get the point. So I need a change in my thinking. 

The Bible talks about changing your thinking. “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,” II Corinthians‬ ‭10‬:‭5‬ ‭This verse tells us to take every thought and evaluate it against God’s Word and His truth. Even modern day psychology has a term for this, cognitive behavioral therapy. The first step in taking every thought captive is being aware when I’m spiraling into overthinking. That can be a hard one. It has because me so engrained that it is an automatic thing that I don’t even realize it’s happening. But God is showing me, when I pay attention, when I need to stop and evaluate my thinking. It really does sound so easy, but it’s really not. Our thinking is engrained in us. Our neural pathways have learned to think a certain way and that’s they way it wants to keep on thinking. It’s like ruts in a road. Once you get into one they are so hard to get out of. Here are some tips for getting out of your thinking ruts and take your thoughts captive. 

1. Pray! Prayers is the answer to everything. You may not think that it does anything but it does. Pray that God would show you your thinking ruts and help you to take your thoughts captive and evaluate them against His Word and His truth. 

2. Ask others for help. I am so bad about not asking for help. (More on that in another post) Community and relationships are so important. Sometimes a family member or friend can help you see your overthinking when you can’t by yourself. 

3. Remember that your emotions are always, always, always valid. But they are not always true. Name your emotions, sit with them, and examine them. Ask yourself why you may feel the way that you do. Then dig into God’s Word and find out what it says about how you are feeling. For example, every 6 months I have a series of 2 infusions of medication for an autoimmune disease. Well tomorrow I have the first of those 2 infusions. The medicine makes me feel bad for a few weeks, and the infusion  itself is draining. So  I’m dreading tomorrow, and really the next month or so. So how do I take these feeling of dread, exhaustion, anxiety, and maybe even a little depression, and evaluate them against God’s Word? Well first of all I remember that He promises to always be with me (Joshua 1:9) Also 2 Peter 1:3 days that “as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,” So I already have everything that I need for this next month. And also one of my favorite verses Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” So I know that whatever happens this next month will be for my good and God’s glory. 

The next month won’t be easy, but when I reframe my thinking I can hold onto God, or better yet let God hold onto me, and trust Him to take me through it. I need to remember that He is Immanuel, God with us, and that He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord my Provider.

Reassessing My Life

Lately I have been reassessing my goals, habits, and hobbies. There are some hobbies that I have decided to set aside, at least for now. I have also picked up a new hobby, or maybe this can be considered adding to a present hobby. I really enjoy writing, whether it be writing my thoughts and feelings in a journal, blogging, or writing book reviews, it is something that brings me pleasure. I have recently added in writing poetry. I mostly write haikus, and they are mostly my thoughts and feelings in life. I have wrote some that are deep and depressing and also some that are praise and worship to our amazing God. It helps so much just to get those thoughts and feelings out, even if nobody ever reads them but me. I’m going to try to share some every once in a while. I’m contemplating on what I can do with my love of writing.  I definitely want to use it to help others, as I would love to do with this blog. I’m not sure who reads these posts, although I do get several views on each one. I do hope that by being authentic, and by sharing my life, my thoughts and feelings, and the lessons that I have learned, that these blog posts may help others with what they may be struggling with themselves. I have decided that I’m just going to put it out there. I’m not going to hide the struggles that I’m going through and try to make my life look anything other than what it is. I’m going to be vulnerable and authentic because I know that somewhere out there is someone who is going through something similar, and hopefully will be encouraged and will know that they are not alone. 

I have also been working on a reoccurring theme in my life, courage. There is an Irish word, Misneach, which means courage or spirit(as in having spirit or being spirited). I eventually want to have that word tattooed on my right forearm, but until then I have it at the front of my brain most times. I do have to admit that there are many times that I do not use the courage that God has given me. I get afraid and I don’t push through that fear and do it anyways. I’m not too proud of myself during these times, but all I can do is to get up, brush myself off, and try again. I guess this theme can also be part of my writing. It takes courage to be authentic. There is always the fear of people not liking you because you are not who they want you to be. Those people’s opinions, of who you should be, don’t matter. I’m going to try my best to be the person that God has made me to be, and not who anyone else thinks I should be. I know I’m going to fail, and that fear will sometimes win, but I’m going to keep persevering and allow God to use me through all of it. Now how about some haikus to finish off this post. They aren’t amazing or anything, but they come from my heart. 

I’m so exhausted 

I feel like a truck hit me

I’m tired of this

My tummy hurts too

The bathroom is my best friend

I’m tired of this

Can I sleep today

No there are things to be done

I’m tired of this

I’m tired of this

I want to have energy

And not hurt so much

I’m learning to love me

Being kind to my future self

And giving grace too

Compassion is rare

I need it now more than ever

I deserve it too

That small girl unloved

Needs to feel so much love now

To know she is safe

Her thoughts and emotions

Just as valid as anyone’s

She deserves kindness

God is there with me

He is always by my side

I’m thankful for Him

He is there for me

He gives strength that I need

I’m grateful for Him

When I lie awake

He is holding me so tight

I’m thankful for Him

Jehovah the Lord

Immanuel God with us

El Roi God who sees

El Shamma God hears

Yahweh I Am Who I Am

Jireh the Lord provides

Rapha the Lord heals

Elohim creator God

My God always there