Feelings

 God has been working on me a lot lately about my feelings. I have said it before, and I will say it again, there is a stigma in the church about mental health. So many Christians say things like, “I’m too blessed to be stressed”, or they say it’s unchristian to be depressed or anxious. These things are extremely invalidating. Please, please, please stop saying these things!!! Your feelings are always, always, always valid, but they are not always true. God doesn’t want us denying our feelings. There are so many people in the Bible, which was inspired by God, that expressed their feelings. Jeremiah was known as the “Weeping Prophet”, Solomon expressed that there was, “nothing new under the sun”, David shared his feelings in so many of the Psalms, Elijah told God that he just wanted to die, and even Jesus expressed his feelings. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, and he was so anxious when it came time to die on the cross, that his sweat became drops of blood. This doesn’t sound to me, like God wants us to deny our feelings. God wants us to share our feelings with Him. Even if we are mad at Him, He wants us to tell Him. He is a big boy, He can handle everything that we have to tell Him. He knows it all anyways, so why not tell him? 

So what should we do instead of denying our feelings? I’m reading a really great book at the moment. It’s Heal Your Hurting Mind by Craig Groschel. It’s a book about mental health. There is a section on depression, and Craig tells us we should acknowledge our feelings, acknowledge that we have hope, and acknowledge that we need help. Don’t shove your feelings down, ignore them, and hope they go away. Our feelings are given to us by God. We need to acknowledge them. We need to stop, and ask ourselves how we are feeling. Name those feelings. It doesn’t matter what they are, name them. Then, we can acknowledge that we have hope. We have a God Who loves us, Who is faithful, Who will provide for us, and Who is always there for us. Naming our feelings doesn’t negate that in any way, it actually makes it even more powerful. Then we need to acknowledge that we need help. That help can come from many sources. It can be medical help. Did you know that anxiety can come from some nutritional deficiencies? Having low levels of magnesium, vitamin D, B vitamins, Zinc, and Iron, can cause or exacerbate anxiety. Depression can be caused by an imbalance of chemicals in your brain, so medications can be helpful for that. Taking medications for depression and anxiety, which can be caused by medical issues like brain chemical imbalance or other issues, is just like taking medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, or high cholesterol. Help can also come from a mental health therapist. It helps so much to talk things out, and to get a different point of view from a different perspective. You could also get help in the form of prayers from a friend or church family. Sometimes help comes in the form of just getting out of the house and having some fun. Help comes in many different ways. 

I’m open about my mental health because I want others to know that they are not alone. I want others to be open about their mental health as well, and not have to be afraid of being judged or looked down on for it. Let’s lose the stigma related to mental health in the church. Instead of being invalidating, and kicking people while they are down, let’s be encouraging, and helpful, and help them up. Isn’t that what the Bible tells us we should do? Let’s be like Jesus and be loving and open about our feelings.   

The Parting of the Waters

 In Exodus, when the Israelites were fleeing from the Egyptians, God parted the Red Sea, and allowed them to escape. The Israelites didn’t get to enter into the Promised Land at this point though. Because of their unbelief, and their disobedience, they ended up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. In Joshua, when it finally came time for the Israelites to enter the Promised Land, God parted the Jordan river, and allowed them to cross on dry land, and enter, not into wilderness wandering this time, but into a land flowing with milk and honey. They had to fight, and rid the lad of its inhabitants, they had to put some action into it, but this time it was different. The parting of the Jordan river mirrored the parting of the Red Sea, but what they entered into on the other side was completely different. 

I have really been struggling lately, mentally and physically. I have been struggling mentally because I’m struggling physically. At a recent counseling session, I realized that I am so afraid of being back where I have been so many times with my health. Of being back to being so sick, and even of gaining all the weight back that I have lost. I’m so tired of being sick, and being exhausted all the time. I didn’t even realize that fear was there, until I voiced it to my therapist, and then immediately burst into tears. 

So what does that have to do with God parting the waters for Israel twice? I read, in Joshua, about the parting of the Jordan river, the day after my therapy session, and I knew something was there that God wanted me to see. There has been several other God winks over the last week or so as well. I realized that sometimes God takes us over the same territory to remind us that He is always faithful, and also to show us that it doesn’t always end the same way. God is showing me that He loves me, He is always faithful, He will take care of me, and that when hard things, happen they are the refining fire that is molding me into who He wants me to be. 

My health may never look like what I want it to look like, but that’s ok. God will always be with me, He is always faithful, and His way is always perfect. The refining fire isn’t fun to go through, but it’s making me into a better me, a better person, into the person that God has always meant for me to be. 

Just Some Thoughts

 I have been struggling to decide what to write about this week. I finally settled on writing my thoughts from the past few weeks. As you know, my husband and I just came home from a trip to Texas to visit our daughter, son-in-law, and new granddaughter. About halfway through the trip I was hit with dizziness, vertigo, and fatigue. That was on top of the, usual, stomach issues. It’s no fun trying to have fun on a trip, when you are dealing with all of that. The trip home was miserable as well. We got home on a Sunday, and immediately I had appointments scheduled for Monday and Tuesday, due to poor planing on my part. The Tuesday appointment was with my primary doctor, and I asked her to check my b12 levels, because I thought the dizziness, vertigo, fatigue, and tingling through my body was due to low b12, and she agreed to test it. I didn’t get the results back until Saturday, but by Saturday it had gotten so bad I had already decided I was going to our local urgent care and getting a b12 shot. My husband and I are making plans to do some light remodeling, and went to Home Depot, on Saturday, to look at some stuff. The vertigo was so bad that I couldn’t deal with walking around the store, and we had to leave. It turns out my b12 levels are not low, but they are borderline, and that can cause symptoms the same as if they are low. If they are only borderline, and the symptoms are that bad, I would hate to see how bad they would get if the levels actually got low. Anyways, I got the b12 shot, but it took a few days for me to feel any kind of difference. Tuesday I felt better, and was able to get some cleaning done, but I ate something my stomach didn’t like and it got really mad at me, and kept me up Tuesday night. I didn’t get much done on Wednesday, except for getting Sally, our robot vacuum, running to sweep the floors, Thursday I got some more cleaning done. It’s not a lot for a non-chronic illness person, but it’s a lot for me. 

My husband and I have been making a lot of plans for traveling, especially after he retires, and for remodeling, and sprucing up our home. Something that keeps running through my head is, “how are we going to do any of that with my health the way that it is?”  I don’t just have one or two chronic illnesses, I have several chronic illnesses. I, also, have several nutrient deficiencies, and at least 2 of the chronic illnesses affect my diet. It’s a struggle, some days, just to get out of bed, and take care of my basic every day things. Imagine you have the flu, and you feel horrible. Now, imagine that you still have to get up, and do everything that you would usually have to do on a daily basis, and you have to do this every day. That is what a chronic illness sufferer has to deal with. 

I don’t like being a negative Nancy all the time. I try to be positive, and to reframe my thinking. I try to give myself grace, and compassion. Most importantly I try to not compare myself to anybody else. It’s a struggle every day. I know that God is  with me, and I’m so thankful for that. I also know that there is so much to be thankful for. That is one reason that I do a daily gratitude post on my blog’s Facebook page. I want to stay positive, and encouraging, but sometimes I also have to be real, and let it out there. I know that sometimes people think that there is always something with me. If it isn’t one thing it’s something else, or it’s 15 somethings. I get that, and I feel that way myself at times. All I can say is bear with me, pray for me, and love me. If you struggle with chronic illnesses, or anything else that makes life a struggle, know that you are not alone. There are people who get it, who understand. I definitely get it. 

Traveling With Chronic Illness

 I did not expect to come home from our trip to Texas feeling like absolute poop. I told a friend this morning that I feel like I have been hit by a truck, and then it backed up and hit me again. I did learn a few things that will, hopefully, help with future travels. The things that I have learned are to only travel 5-6 hours a day, don’t travel more than an hour or hour and a half without stopping, and walking around a bit, use support pillows behind my back, and block off a week after we get home to rest and recuperate. We have also decided that we will be taking 2 of our dogs, Ethel and Bella, with our on some of our travels. Our plan is to, eventually, get a camper or an RV, to make things easier for us, and for the dogs. We need to get the dogs used to going on car rides, and meeting new people though. So, we will be taking them for more car rides, and more adventures into the great outdoors. Hopefully, things will go well with that, and they will adapt easily to traveling with us. 

So many things have to be thought about, and adapted, when traveling with a chronic illness. For me, I have dietary issues to deal with, I only have so much energy to expend in each day, and it goes quickly, and also I have pain issues, and anxiety issues to deal with. Hopefully, having Ethel with me, while traveling, will help some with the anxiety issues. For now, I’m going to rest up, hydrate, and try to get the best nutrition that I can, so that I can feel better faster. 

A Look Over the Past 10 Years

 10 years ago was 2016, which was the start of a major health roller coaster for me. In October, of that year, I was referred to a pulmonologist, who did some lung function tests, and told me I didn’t have asthma, like I had been told for years. He needed to do a bronchoscopy to find out what was causing my breathing issues. The bronchoscopy was done, which was extremely traumatic, and I was sent to a thoracic surgeon, who sent me to my wonderful, and amazing ENT. My ENT, Dr. Black, did an in-office scope, which was nowhere near as intensive as the bronchoscopy, and diagnosed me with subglottic stenosis. Essentially my trachea (windpipe) is narrowed just below my vocal cords. Dr. Black also figured out what was causing the subglottic stenosis, an autoimmune disease.   In 2018, I ended up having to have a tracheotomy, which I had for a little over a year and a half. That time was a really big struggle, in so many ways. I have also been diagnosed with dysautonomia, celiac disease, and exocrine pancreatic insufficiency. One of the biggest impacts on my health, other than the subglottic stenosis/trach thing, was that I have lost 135 pounds. Now, 10 years later, I can breathe so much better than I could back then. The subglottic stenosis, and the autoimmune disease that causes it, is fairly well controlled. I’m 135 pounds smaller than I was, my diet is more limited than ever, and my health is still a struggle, but I’m thankful for every day that God gives me. 

Also, in 2016, I had a 15 year old, and a 13 year old(well in Feb of 2016 she was 12), whom I was homeschooling at the time. Now, I have an, almost 25 year old, and a 22 year old, who is married, and has a 1 month old baby, my grandbaby. We also only had 2 dogs, our sweet boy T, and Lucy, who was just a baby at the time. Now we no longer have our T, we briefly had a rabbit, we still have our Lucy, although she is now an old, and cranky, lady, and we have added Ethel, and Bella. We have moved twice, and bought a house in the past 10 years. We live about 45 minutes from where we lived 10 years ago, in a town that we had heard of, but never thought we would live in. So many things have happened in the past 10 years. Some good, and some not so good. God has gotten us through each, and every one of them. We are stronger than ever before, and we are more blessed than ever before. While it doesn’t do to dwell in the past, sometimes it’s beneficial to take a short trip back there, just to see how far you have come. Now, I’m going to look forward to the next 10 years.