Springtime

   Spring is one of my favorite seasons. I love seeing the flowers and trees blooming, and the birds flying around, building their nests. It seems that everything is more colorful, and more vibrant in the Spring. Spring is a time of growth and renewal. The Earth is waking up from its Winter’s rest, and is stretching out, and getting ready to burst forth into abundant activity. 

  Spring also makes me want to do more. I want to acquire all the plants, and I start making more and more plans for the Summer. I start feeding the birds more, and I do more sitting outside watching those birds. Springtime seems to give me a little more energy, and my mood peps up a little bit as well. 

  This Spring has been filled with so much renewal and growth already, and I’m making so many plans, although I have committed to not so many plants this year. I can see things sprouting, and growing, and while they haven’t come to full fruition yet, I know that they will. I can see God working in my life. He is moving mountains, He is growing me, and growing things in me, and around me. 

  One thing, that I’m looking forward to this Spring, is celebrating Easter. Easter weekend is when Christians celebrate the fact that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins. The Bible said that the penalty for sin is death(Romans 6:23). Jesus took that penalty for all of us, on that cross. Not only did He take that death penalty for us, He conquered death, hell, and the grave, and 3 days later, He rose from the dead, and came out of that grave. The Bible says that He was seen by over 500 people(1 Corinthians 15:6), and then He ascended into Heaven and is sitting at the right hand of the Father. That is a great reason to love Springtime. 

   This Spring, I pray for growth and renewal for you. I hope that, if you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesu Christ, that you come to know Him. He loves you so much. He loves you enough that He died for you. 

God Will Move Mountains

 It’s been an interesting week so far. Actually it’s started d out as an interesting weekend. Sunday was Miracle Day at church. We have been praying for this day since January. There were some specifics that we, as a church, have been praying for, but we have also been praying for all kinds of miracles to happen, and they did. We had a wonderful service on Sunday morning, and many came back for the evening service as well. My husband and I had nursery that evening, we had two toddlers in the nursery. They were a joy to be around, even though we were both exhausted at the end. I was listening to the sermon, as much as I could while helping to keep an eye on two wiggly toddlers, and the sermon definitely spoke to me. On Monday, I decided to go back and watch the sermon again, and take notes. Our pastor spoke on Mark 11:22-24. It was on praying and believing that, if what you are praying for is God’s will, then God will move the mountains in the way of what you are praying for. 

Something led me to start researching online college courses. I started searching, and came across a bachelor’s degree in psychology with a specialization in life coaching. I started a bachelor’s in psychology degree many years ago, but I put my education on hold to homeschool my girls. I, now, feel that God is leading me to go back and finish that degree and specialize in life coaching. There are several mountains standing in the way at this point though. The biggest one is financial. College is expensive! My family and I are in the bracket where my husband makes too much for federal aid, but not enough for us to afford the tuition and other expenses of me finishing my degree. But! I know that, if this is God’s will, the He will move this mountain, and all the other mountains in the way, and I will get my degree, and go on to do whatever it is that He has planned for my life. If it’s not His will, then I know that He has something even better in store for me. I would greatly appreciate your prayers in this matter. I have known for a long time that God wants me to use my life experiences to help others get through their life experiences. That is why I started this blog. I want to be able to help others get through the rough times in their lives, point them towards God, and make disciples who make disciples. 

My Testimony

 I was born on December 1, 1982 in Ft. Campbell Tennessee. Most people think of Kentucky when they think of Ft. Campbell, and the majority of Ft. Campbell is in Kentucky, but the hospital is in Tennessee, so I have a State of Tennessee birth certificate. My dad was in the Army, and was stationed at Ft. Campbell. We stayed in Kentucky for awhile, but then my dad was moved to Germany, and myself, my mom, and my half brother(he was my mom’s biological child but not my dad’s) moved to Germany with him. When I was 3, while we were living in Germany, my parents got divorced. My mom had to move back to the states, and she had to take my brother with her, because he wasn’t my dad’s biological child, but she left me behind. She told me later that she left me because she had no job, and nowhere to go, and she had no way to take care of me. Which I kind of understand as an adult, but I’m sure as a 3 year old child, I was sad, scared, and confused. Soon after that my dad sent me to live with my grandparents in Alabama. My grandparents loved me, and took care of me, but I’m sure it was a huge shock to me again. It was another huge change in my life. 

When I was around 4, I  saw my biological mom again, I stayed with her while my dad and my step mom got married. Then my dad, step mom, and myself moved to Ft. Stewart, Georgia. This was another big change for me. A new mom, a new house, a new state, a new everything. It was in Georgia that I have the earliest memories of my dad sexually molesting me. I don’t remember seeing my biological mom again after that. I do know that I talked to her on the phone phone, which apparently upset me so much that I wet the bed whenever I would talk to her on the phone. I was later told, by my biological mom, that when we moved from Georgia, she wasn’t told where we went or was given any way to contact me. We stayed in Georgia for several years. My dad spent a lot of time away, I’m not sure what he was doing. As you know with the military, you never stay in one place too long, and we were sent to Ft. Riley, Kansas. 

Almost as soon as we had gotten moved to Kansas, my dad was shipped out to fight in the Gulf War, Desert Storm. He was gone for over a year. I spent most of 2nd grade, and all of 3rd grade in Kansas. It was in 3rd grade where I found my ultimate escape. I fell in love with books. I read as many books as I could get my hands on. They took me to another world, one that wasn’t my own. A world where I had friends, where I wasn’t abandoned, where I felt loved, and cherished. 

My step mom was 20 years older than my dad. She had already raised her kids, yet she still took on the task of raising me, and for that I do appreciate her, but she had a lot of mental health issues. She had anger issues, I’m sure she has depression issues, and she was emotionally and physically neglectful. It got worse when my dad got an early out from the Army in 1992, and we moved to Alabama to be near her children. I’m not sure if it was because we were close to her biological children, but it seems that I , all of a sudden, became a burden to her. I also became the maid. I cooked, I cleaned, I did all the laundry, I cut the grass, I even painted the house. I took care of her dogs, that she bred, and that she got the money from the puppies she sold. But it seemed that no matter how much I tried it wasn’t enough for her. It wasn’t clean enough, or I didn’t do enough of taking care of the dogs, or something wasn’t right. And the sexual molestation was continuing as well. It continued until I moved out and got married. On top of that I was being bullied in school. I was being made fun of because I talked different from the other kids. I didn’t seem to fit in, and I didn’t have many friends. The friends I did have were outcasts as well. There were many times that I just wanted to die. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I was just too scared to do anything about it. 

We had gone to church occasionally, but not really too much, but a friend of mine started taking me to church with her. Not only was I able to get away from my house, and my parents, but I found a relationship with Jesus Christ, and got saved. Things didn’t get much better, but I had a Savior who was there giving me the strength that I needed to live, and to not give up. 

I ended up quitting that church, I can’t remember why, but we did, and I’m thankful we did. Because a few years later a different friend started taking me to church with her, and that is where I met my husband. The first time I remember noticing him we were outside getting ready for a church bonfire. This was an old time country church with the long cement tables outside where they would put food on and everybody would gather around and eat. Well, I was standing on top of those tables sweeping them off, and I noticed his Auburn shirt and commented on it, I’m an Alabama fan. Our relationship didn’t start until a few months after that though. 

In December of 1999, he asked me out, and I said yes. In April of 2000 we got married. I was 17, and he was 18. In February of 2001 our oldest daughter, Jennifer, was born. Life wasn’t too bad. Sometime before Christmas of that year, my father-in-law found my biological mom for me. The first time I saw her since I was a young child was Christmas of 2001. Unfortunately, the relationship with her didn’t go like I thought it would. It turns out she is very much a narcissist, and everything is about her. Again, I was battling a mom who never failed to let me know that I wasn’t good enough, and that it didn’t matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t enough. I have tried several times to have a relationship with my biological mom, but sadly it isn’t meant to be. It’s the same with my step mom, and my dad. I have forgiven them for all the abuse, and the pain that they have put me through, all the trauma and hurt that they have caused me, but until they can acknowledge the trauma and pain in their own lives, that has caused them to cause trauma and pain in me, until they can acknowledge their wrong, and change, the a relationship cannot happen. You cannot heal a wound if you keep picking at it and opening it back up. And that is, actually, what trying to have a relationship with them right now would be like. Unfortunately, my step mom passed away in May of 2004, so I wasn’t able to have that relationship with her. It hurts to know I may never have a good relationship with my parents, but I’m holding on to God, and I know that He will take care of me. 

In October of 2003, our youngest daughter, Katie, was born. In early 2004, since I quit school to get married, I decided I wanted to get my GED, so I started GED classes, and took the GED test, and got my GED. I then decided I was going to get a job, and was quickly hired on at Walmart. This turned bad quickly. I got extremely sick. I had rashes and hives all over my body, i couldn’t keep anything down, I was extremely malnourished, I was extremely fatigued, I couldn’t sit upright for more than a few minutes, I slept constantly, I was in bad shape. I was in the hospital 3 times. I was, finally, diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. I was so weak that if I ended up in the floor, I couldn’t get back up. I couldn’t even buckle the girls into their car seats. It took awhile, but I slowly started getting better. I was seeing my doctor, was getting colonoscopies, taking medications, doing what I needed to do. But I did something stupid. I stopped going to my GI doctor because it was time for another colonoscopy, and I didn’t want to do that. So with no doctor visits, that also meant no medication refills, so I stopped taking my medicine. I was ok for a while, after all I had achieved remission. 

When Katie started Kindergarten I decided I wanted to go to college, so I started at a local community college. I got an Associates degree in Liberal Arts, then I started working on a Bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education. I quickly realized that public teaching was not where I wanted to be, so I changed my major to psychology. Ever since my first psychology class, psychology has fascinated me. To study why people do what they do, to help people work through things. It’s definitely something I think I would love to do with my life. Except that I started feeling God calling me to homeschool the girls. So I put my education on hold, and focused on their education. When Jennifer was in 6th grade, and Katie was in 3rd we pulled them out of public school and started homeschooling them. They both graduated high school through homeschooling. I fully believe that it was one of the best decisions of my life. 

Right in the middle of homeschooling 2 Highschool students, I started getting sick again. I was having issues breathing. It’s started slowly, and I was diagnosed with asthma, but none of the medications that the doctors kept throwing at me seemed to work. I gave up on that doctor and just decided to live with it. One day, at a primary care appointment, the nurse practitioner said to me, “every time i see you, you are wheezing. I want you to see a pulmonologist”. I agreed, with the stipulation that it wasn’t Dr Heidecker, the doctor who diagnosed me with asthma. So she sent to a pulmonologist in Jasper, Dr. Westerman, who did some lung function tests, which Dr. Heidecker never did, and told me that I didn’t have asthma, that there was something else going on, but he would have to do a bronchoscopy to find out what it was. The bronchoscopy was very traumatic. I was awake, and aware throughout the whole thing, and I could hear them talking about, “look at all that webbing,” and “she is going to have to have surgery for that”. I ended up having a panic attack right there during the procedure. 

 

I ended up being sent to a thoracic surgeon, who then sent me to my ENT. My ENT did an in office scope and diagnosed me with subglottic stenosis. Essentially my breathing tube just below my vocal cords is narrow. He scheduled me for a procedure to open up the narrow area. I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Wegener’s granulomatosis polyangitis, which is what causes the subglottic stenosis. This was towards the end of 2016. In April of 2018, I was scheduled for another opening of the narrow area, but it couldn’t be done, because it had gotten too narrow. I had to have a trach put in. That was an extremely rough time in my life. I was in the hospital for over a week. During that time in the hospital I had to be rushed back to the operating room because I had developed an internal bleed where the trach surgery was done. I was coughing up blood so bad, I was almost choking on it. Recovery from that surgery was very hard as well, but it was during this time that I really started paying attention to my diet, and my exercise. I wanted to take care of my body more. I had the trach for a little over a year and a half. In November of 2019 it was removed, and I could breath again. Of course we all know what happened not too long after that. Covid hit, and the whole world was thrown into chaos. 

In 2022 my husband and I had some issues. Some of them had to do with in laws. My in laws don’t understand or respect boundaries, and they still think of us as children that they have to tell us what to do and control. Some of it has to do with me and my past trauma, and my own sins and issues that I hadn’t dealt with. I moved out and found a rental. Thankfully we were able to work it out, and he moved into the rental with me, the other house was surround by in laws. Around this same time, I started having gastrointestinal issues again. Not as bad as the ones before in 2004, but they were bad.  I started out talking with my primary doctor, we tried a few things, nothing worked. It took until Summar of 2023 for me to, finally get an appointment with an gastroenterologist. He did a colonoscopy, endoscopy, a test for celiac disease, and one for microscopic colitis. No other tests to test to see if the Crohn’s disease was active again. The celiac was positive, everything else was negative. I thought “ok, I will go gluten free and I won’t have GI issues anymore”. Nope, no such luck. The GI doctor wasn’t much help, and I didn’t like the way he handled the celiac diagnosis, so I put off going back to him. Finally, I decided to try a different GI doctor, I actually ended up with a GI nurse practitioner. I went into that appointment prepared with previous labs and test results printed out. I got told I had IBS. I knew that wasn’t right at all. I was still so nauseous, diarrhea all the time, stomach pain, and an ever growing list of foods I couldn’t eat. I started doing my own research, and found something that fit my symptoms. Exocrine pancreatic insufficiency. Essentially that is where the pancreas doesn’t make enough digestive enzymes so the body cannot digest foods properly. So I made another appointment with the nurse practitioner, I told her I thought it was exocrine pancreatic insufficiency and I asked her to test for it. She agreed and also added another test, one that tests for inflammation in the colon, which could be a sign that the Crohn’s disease is active again. Both of the tests came back positive. She put me on prescription digestive enzymes, and told me of the GI issues didn’t stop that she wants to do a colonoscopy to see what’s going on. Guess what! The GI issues haven’t stopped. I am still waiting on my follow up with her on that. 

While I am waiting on that I have also been experiencing recurring sinus infections since November, it is now March. Chronic sinus infections are one of the symptoms of the Wegener’s graulomatosis polyangitis, the autoimmune disease that causes the subglottic stenosis. My ENT is on the case, and is working to get it taken care of. In the meantime, I have an infusion for the Wegener’s tomorrow, so hopefully that will help as well. I’m also dealing with a lot of arthritis pain, I’m not sure if it’s osteoarthritis pain, or inflammatory arthritis due to the autoimmune diseases flaring up. 

I have been through a lot in my life, but one thing I know, is that God has been right there beside me through it all. He has given me strength to keep on goin on. He has been faithful, He has kept His promises, and He will continue to be faithful and keep His promises. I never would have gotten through any of it if it wasn’t for God being right there beside me. 

Three Little Words

 God Loves Me. These are three little words, but the impact of those words are tremendous…if you let them be. To really understand we need to go back to the beginning, to the very beginning, actually to before the beginning. Before God created the world, and created man, He knew, because God is all knowing, what would happen, what would have to happen, for Him to have a relationship with us. He knew the sacrifice that would have to be made, and He knew that even after that sacrifice, most people would still reject Him. Yet, still, He created us anyways, because He already loved us so much. Let that sink in a little bit. God loves you. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, why does a loving God allow bad things to happen. Well, the short answer to this question is because this isn’t Heaven. Another answer to that question is because of free will. God doesn’t want robots who are forced to love Him. He wants us to love Him out of our own free will, and for that to happen, He has to allow all free will. The good news is that, for believers, this is the only hell we will ever know. The bad news is, for unbelievers, this is the only Heaven they will ever know. 

God show His love to us in so many ways. The most important way is that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, who is fully man, but also fully God, to be born on Earth, live a life as a man, be crucified on the cross, where all the sins of the whole world we laid upon Him, and He died for our sins. Then, He conquered death, hell, and the grave, and, on the third day, rose from the grave, alive, and ascended into Heaven, where He is waiting, with God, for His people to spend eternity with Him. He shows His love in other ways also. God uses the world around us to show us that He loves us. In the breeze on a beautiful day, in the foggy morning, in the sun rays shining down through the clouds as you are driving down the road, in the flowers blooming, in the love of a beloved pet. All you have to do is be observant to see God’s love shining all around us. 

God loves me. These words are little words, but they hold the meaning of life. That God, the maker of the universe, loves me so much. That He is faithful, He is present, He is kind and generous. Whenever you are having a hard time. Remember these three little words, and look around you for those reminders of God’s love for you. And maybe be a reminder of God’s love to someone else. 

Purple Henbit

The other day I was sitting out on my back porch, and I looked over at the neighbor's backyard and saw the purple henbit blooming. I remember thinking how pretty it was. Yesterday, I was out walking around my backyard and realized we also had purple henbit blooming. I realized that I was so busy looking at the neighbor's yard, that I didn’t even look to see what I had in my own backyard. Then it hit me how this applies to life as well. We are so often so busy looking at others’ lives that we miss what we have in our own. We compare what someone else has, and find ourselves lacking. Comparison is the thief of joy. We are so busy looking at what other people have and are trying to achieve that, we miss out on what we have right in front of us. 

This even works when it comes to healing. I have found myself saying, “well that person has it so much worse than I do.”, and that invalidates my own struggles. Trauma, and chronic illness cannot be compared. It will always be an unfair comparison. There are so many different factors that need to be figured in, that it cannot ever be a fair comparison. Just because someone went through something, seemingly worse than I did, doesn’t mean I’m not struggling as well. It just means we are both struggling, and we both need support. 

Let’s remember not to look at what other people have so much, and when we do, let it be to make sure that they have enough, and not to compare it to ourselves. Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s usually not a fair comparison anyway. 

March Theme

 Every month this year I use been picking a theme for the month. This theme goes along with the overarching theme of self-care for 2026. January was distraction, or limiting distractions, and not letting distractions steal my joy. February was advocating for myself, and not abandoning myself. March is all about communication. I realized that, I cannot get what I need, if I don’t communicate my needs. This has especially come up when it comes to my doctors, and doctors appointments. My specialists don’t see labs from other specialists, or from my primary, and my primary doesn’t see labs or test results from my specialists. To fix this issue, I have made a medical binder where I have printed out all recent lab work results, and tests results, and I will take this binder to doctor appointments with me. This will help me to get the care that I need, and deserve. 

I also need to communicate better in other areas of my life. I have decided that I am only going to plan 3 things each week. This can include doctor appointments, therapy appointments, outings with friends, church meetings, family get togethers, pretty much anything that gets me out of the house except for regular church services. This allows me plenty of time to rest, and get things done around the house that needs to be done. I’m also blocking off extra time, for recovery, when I have big events, like traveling, VBS, or Operation Christmas Child Collection Week. 

These aren’t the only areas where I need to communicate better, but this is where God is working on me for now. It’s only the beginning of the month though, so I’m sure more will come up. For now this is where I will focus and work on. It won’t be easy. I don’t like asking for what I need or saying no to what I don’t need, but it is a must to, properly, take care of myself.