I’m Still Going

 It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last blog post, and honestly a lot has happened. Back at the first of July I went to my primary doctor and told her the symptoms I was having. She said it sounded like a form of dysautonomia, and I agreed. She sent me in a referral to a cardiologist to get test for dysautonomia. My cardiologist said he was pretty sure I have some form of dysautonomia but he wanted to do a full heart work up just in case. He ordered a 72 hour heart monitor, an echocardiogram, a treadmill stress test, and he also ordered a tilt table test. The 72 hour heart monitor results were completely normal and the tilt table test was inconclusive. This past Monday I had the echocardiogram and the treadmill stress test. The echo showed a grade 1 diastolic dysfunction but the results showed normal. The stress test notes showed my highest blood pressure was 223/53. Yes that is correct. It’s not a typo. But again they said it was normal. So I sent my cardiologist an email asking how are these results normal. He took the time to send me a detailed response. Pretty much what he said was that since I was morbidly obese in the past, I weighed 300 lbs, and I’m still overweight now, that other than those 2 things my heart is working fine. He said that although those results arent,typically, normal, they are normal for me because my body has had to work overtime in the past, and is still working overtime because my weight still isn’t where it needs to be. I went from 300 to 165 but I have gained about 20 of that back. So I’m going back on Mounjaro not only for blood sugar control because I am type 2 diabetic, but also to help me to lose weight. I’m also going to focus more on healthier eating and getting more exercise. It’s so hard to exercise when I have constant overwhelming fatigue. Chronic Illness is for the birds. It takes all that I have just to get normal every day things done. People invite me to do things and just the thought overwhelms me and makes me even more exhausted. So many people don’t understand. I want to do all the things, but my body just doesn’t allow it. But I’m going to continue to focus on self care and I’m going to hold on to God and know that He is going to work good in all these things. I’m going to try my best to remember that He is Immanuel. God with us. God with me! If you would please keep me in your prayers as I continue to walk through this health journey I would greatly appreciate it it. 

Being Kind to Your Future Self

 Self-care has been on my mind a lot lately. Most people think of self-care as manis and pedi, spa days, shopping sprees, or chocolate  Yes, self-care can be those things but it is also so much more. In my opinion self-care is actually being kind to your future self. It can look like eating right and staying properly hydrated, exercising, or even putting dinner in the slow cooker in the morning so you don’t have to worry about it later. The other day part of my self-care was to clean out the fridge. How is that self-care? Well I was about to go pick up a grocery order and if I didn’t clean out the fridge then I would have had a much harder time getting all the groceries in the fridge. Plus, I didn’t want all those leftovers that were no longer fit to eat to stay in the fridge and start growing stuff (yuck!). 

Have you heard the saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”? Some people dispute this saying by saying that if you rely on God to give you what you need then you can pour from an empty cup. I disagree with that. Yes I wholeheartedly agree that God will give you everything you need to do what He has called you to do, but He also has called us into self-care, or being kind to our future self. When we regularly practice being kind to our future self, then we have what we need to pour out into others. God commanded us to rest on the Sabbath, He even demonstrated it when He rested on the 7th day of creation. God didn’t need to rest, He is all powerful. He rested as an example for us. Even Jesus went away into solitude to take care of Himself(Luke 5:26), and He urged His disciples to do the same (Mark 6:31) So make it a priority to be kind to your future self. Not only will your future self thank you for that, but also all those who you will be able to pour out into because you are kind to your future self. 

Some thoughts from today

 I was thinking and praying this morning and I told God that I was ready to get back to life, that I was ready to have the energy and the desire to do things again. Then I sensed God telling me that this season has a purpose, that this season of little to no energy and little to no desire to do things will accomplish great things. Yes, I still am ready to get back to life with the energy and desire to do things again but I’m going to try my best to be patient and trust that God knows what He is doing. Just like God took the Israelites through the wilderness instead of the shorter way through the land of the Philistines for a reason, God is taking me through my own personal wilderness for a reason. To do what is for my good and His glory. In the meantime I’m going to look for the good in all things and try to learn lessons from each and every trial and storm I go through. Most importantly, I’m going to try to remember that God is Immanuel(God with us), He is always with me, that He is Jehovah Rapha (the Lord Who heals) and will heal me in His time. 

Just a Little Update

  just started a new Bible reading plan a few weeks ago. I recently finished up the book of Genesis. One of the discussion questions for the end of Genesis was, “What visions or dreams do you have that you need to pick up and dust off?”. I could think of 3 dreams/visions of mine that I haven’t been actively pursuing lately, and to be honest I’m not sure if I even want to do them anymore. The first one is becoming a yoga instructor. I definitely want to continue to practice yoga, but I’m not sure if I want to teach yoga anymore. The second is writing. I haven’t been very consistent in writing blog posts. I do enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts, and helping others who may struggle with the same things I struggle with. It’s just that writing a successful blog takes a lot of time and energy. Time I usually have, energy not so much. The 3rd thing is crocheting. Again it takes energy that I just don’t have excess of at the moment. I do enjoy crocheting, and I want to want to crochet, but at this point I don’t. 

The more I write this out the more I come to realize that I may be experiencing depression, and the fact that I want to want to do these things makes me believe it’s secondary depression. Meaning my health has caused the depression. I am so exhausted all the time, I can barely take care of myself on most days. It’s a struggle to even do the most basic of things. I want to do them, I just cannot seem to find the energy needed to do them. Which triggers the depression, which makes the exhaustion and my physical health even worse, which makes the depression worse. It’s a vicious cycle that doesn’t seem to want to stop anytime soon.  I struggle daily with the guilt of having chronic illness and chronic depression and anxiety. I also struggle with the judgement of dealing with these things. Some people are extremely judgmental when it comes to mental health, and that judgement only makes things worse. 

Just this past week was an extreme struggle. The chronic fatigue, pain, and other health issues I struggle with have been on overdrive. Most days I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in bed and sleep. But there are always things that need to be done. Dogs that need taken care of, cleaning that has to be done, and food that needs to be cooked. Then there is also personal self-care that I have to do, because I know if I don’t do them then it will make things even worse. Life is a struggle for real, and I know it’s not just for me. I know that so many people struggle with chronic health issues, or depression/anxiety, and it can be crippling at times. You are seen my friend. You are heard. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you are. Something I have learned recently is that my feelings are always valid, but they are not always true. I may feel like I’m unseen, unheard, and alone, but I’m not. Maybe so much of this comes from being unseen and unheard as a child. From being emotionally neglected. That kind of thing takes a toll on a person, especially a child. I wasn’t seen or heard by people as a child or teenager, but I do know that I was seen and heard by my God. He was always there with me holding me and taking care of me, and  now that I’m an adult I do have people that care. Sometimes their struggles makes it hard for them to see or hear me, but they do their best. Most importantly, I still have, and always will have my El Roi, God who sees me, and El Shama, God who hears me. And so do you my friend. 

Im not going to make any decisions on my visions/goals at the moment. I’m not giving up on them just yet, but I also may not be actively pursuing them either. I will let God walk with me through this trial and then allow Him to show me which goals and visions I should pursue and which ones need to be set aside.