This is Me

    It has been a challenging week for me. Have you ever had a period of time where you don't even realize how stressed you really are, then it all comes to a head at once? That is how my week has been. I have been pretending so hard, that everything is okay, that I even managed to fool myself. When in reality, I'm not ok.

 I am

• scared/worried about my health. Will I ever go into remission? Will I ever be able to get rid of this trach? What if something else goes wrong? 
• anxious/worried about my girls. I just want them to be happy.
• anxious/worried about others who I care about. I want them to be happy also.
• I am tired. I know my body is healing, but I feel like I should be doing more than I am doing. I feel guilty that my girls have to do so much around the house.
• Anxious/worried about my husband. I just want him to be happy.
• I feel guilty because I don't visit my family, even though, physically, I haven't even been able to go to church lately.
• I feel guilty because I haven't been in church.

    You know what I realize I do when I'm not ok? I try to control things. I knew I had a control issues, but I thought it wasn't too bad. But it is. When I try to "help" God out, I end up making a big huge mess of things. It's ok for me to NOT be ok, but it's not ok for me to be controlling, or to stay not ok. I'm actually reading a book by Sheila Walsh called It's Okay to Not Be Okay. It really is a good book, look for a review coming up soon. Anyways, my control issues is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It's a symptom of a trust issue. I don't trust God. Ouch! That really does hurt to admit.

  A few years ago I went on a spiritual retreat with a friend. I really enjoyed the weekend, and came home with a life verse, Isaiah 61:3 "to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord , that he may be glorified." I have carried around this verse, and the phrase "Beauty for ashes" since then. I didn't really understand what it meant, until the other day. I was listening to The Mother Crusher's Podcast. Kori was sharing about her battle with depression. Carolanne told her that, by her sharing her story, she was helping others who may have gone through something similar. Carolanne said that's the beauty from the Ashes of it. It hit me them, what that meant. Beauty From the Ashes is the good that God promises to bring out of everything.

Back to my problem with control. In one the books I am reading, I can't remember which one, it says that a person who has a control issue often has had some sort of trauma in their lives. I have had plenty of trauma in my life, but I think the main one, the one that sparked my control issues, and many other issues I struggle with, is that, since I was very young, until I moved out of the house, my dad molested me. This is an extremely hard thing to admit publicily. There are a few people who know, but I never thought I would admit it to the world. You may be asking, "Well then why did you?" I shared this to help others realize that a control issues is a trust issue, because something happened and you are afraid to trust again. You may fool others, and even yourself, into believing you do trust God. Then the truth smacks you in the face, and you realize if you really did trust God, then you wouldn't try to "help out" so much.

  As I said above, there is a lot of stigma about depression, anxiety, worry, and other forms of not being ok, in the Christian world. Well let me tell you right now, as Sheila says in her new book, It's Okay to Not be Okay. "Okay doesn't live here, but Jesus does." I'm not ok, but I don't plan on staying here. I plan on standing firm in this spiritual battle, and eventually becoming ok with the help of my Heavenly Father. Those who said it's not ok to admit when you're not ok, I leave you with some words to a song. If you have seen The Greatest Showman you have heard the song This is Me.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me 


I don't apologize for who I am. God loves me just the way I am. I am enough. You are enough. Don't listen to the lies that Satan is telling you. God never expects us to be perfect. He doesn't expect us to always be ok. He just expects us to turn to Him again and again as often as we turn astray.

Me, Me, Me

Good evening friends, I just wanted to give a quick update on me. I have been sick with some sort of crud for 3 or 4 weeks now. I ended up in the E. R. last week because I was having trouble breathing with and without my trach. They didn't find anything except a lot of excess mucus clogging up my airways. I had an appt with my rheumatologist today and he did some blood work to check if it's the Wegener's  (GPA) acting up causing it, or if it's the actual crud with bronchitis or whatever. I should have the results of that tomorrow.

On another note, I'm sure you have all noticed that I have been doing book reviews lately. Here is my reasoning behind that. After reading some wonderful books, and praying, I feel God calling me to write. Right now my writing is here in my blog, but I feel one day I will write a book. Being on book launch teams, and doing book reviews, has given me the opportunity to read some wonderful books on spiritual warfare, and other Christian books. I feel there are 2 reasons for doing book reviews. One is to help bring me closer to God, and the other is to help me see what good writing is so that I can be a good writer. It also fuels my reading addiction by giving me access to free books, but that's more of a benefit than a reason. So I ask that you help me in a few ways. Most importantly is to pray for me. Also interact with me on Facebook and on this blog. It gets discouraging when it seems like no one really cares about what I write, and that allows the enemy in to whisper more lies. I really appreciate all the support I have gotten so far.

A little sneak peak of upcoming book reviews. Irresistible by Andy Stanley, Beauty in the Breakdown by Julie Roberts,  Handcrafted by Clint Harp (yes that is the Fixer Upper craftsman) and It's Okay Not to be Okay by Sheila Walsh

Review of Warfare: Winning the Spiritual Battle by Tony Evans

Whether we like it or not, we are in a war against an enemy. Dr. Tony Evans equips us for battle in his new book Warfare. He tells us who the enemy is and takes us through the history of the enemy, and the enemy’s works and strategies. He then goes on to show us how God has equipped us to fight this battle. He tells us that God hasn’t left us alone but is right there with us. God gives us armor and weapons to fight the enemy, and best of all, we are guaranteed success. Evans doesn’t just summarize this battle but goes into details about exactly how the enemy works, and exactly how God works in our lives to fight the enemy. Every Christian should read this book at least once. This book can help us to formulate our battle plan against satan and his demons, as we fight alongside the Lord of Heaven’s armies and reach our victory. Tony Evans is a husband, father,  and well respected pastor, teacher, and speaker. He also has a daily podcast and a website where you can find numerous resources to help with your relationship with God. I was blessed to be on the launch team and to preview this book.

*Disclaimer* I received this book for free, from the publisher, Moody Publishing, in exchange for an honest review

You can find more information about Tony Evans on his website here

Review of Prayers for the Battlefield by Heidi St. John

  


    Every mom should have at least one copy of Prayers for the Battlefield, by Heidi St. John. Heidi is a wife, a homeschool mom of 7 children, an author of 7 books, a speaker, and has a new website http://momstronginternational.com/ where she leads a scripture writing challenge every month, along with a Bible study that she has written. Heidi isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, especially when it comes to her children. This book has thirty-one beautifully written prayers and devotions, written by Heidi, to go with different topics such as, for the mom who feels powerless, for the mom who needs a good offense, and for a mom who is facing the unexpected. Heidi has poured her heart out into these prayers, and short devotions, to help her fellow moms to fight the spiritual battle going on for their children. Because, whether we like it or not, there is a spiritual battle going on. Heidi St. John, so graciously, helps equip us moms to fight, with this wonderful book. I feel so blessed to be a part of the launch team, and preview, this book.  Get your planners out because this book launches on September 18, 2018. 

*disclaimer*

I received this book for free from the publisher, in exchange for an honest review

You can pre-order the book here and check out Heidi's website here and her Mom Strong International site here