I am
- scared/worried about my health. Will I ever go into remission? Will I ever be able to get rid of this trach? What if something else goes wrong?
- anxious/worried about my girls. I just want them to be happy.
- anxious/worried about others who I care about. I want them to be happy also.
- I am tired. I know my body is healing, but I feel like I should be doing more than I am doing. I feel guilty that my girls have to do so much around the house.
- Anxious/worried about my husband. I just want him to be happy.
- I feel guilty because I don't visit my family, even though, physically, I haven't even been able to go to church lately.
- I feel guilty because I haven't been in church.
You know what I realize I do when I'm not ok? I try to control things. I knew I had a control issues, but I thought it wasn't too bad. But it is. When I try to "help" God out, I end up making a big huge mess of things. It's ok for me to NOT be ok, but it's not ok for me to be controlling, or to stay not ok. I'm actually reading a book by Sheila Walsh called It's Okay to Not Be Okay. It really is a good book, look for a review coming up soon. Anyways, my control issues is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It's a symptom of a trust issue. I don't trust God. Ouch! That really does hurt to admit.
A few years ago I went on a spiritual retreat with a friend. I really enjoyed the weekend, and came home with a life verse, Isaiah 61:3 "to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord , that he may be glorified." I have carried around this verse, and the phrase "Beauty for ashes" since then. I didn't really understand what it meant, until the other day. I was listening to The Mother Crusher's Podcast. Kori was sharing about her battle with depression. Carolanne told her that, by her sharing her story, she was helping others who may have gone through something similar. Carolanne said that's the beauty from the Ashes of it. It hit me them, what that meant. Beauty From the Ashes is the good that God promises to bring out of everything.
Back to my problem with control. In one the books I am reading, I can't remember which one, it says that a person who has a control issue often has had some sort of trauma in their lives. I have had plenty of trauma in my life, but I think the main one, the one that sparked my control issues, and many other issues I struggle with, is that, since I was very young, until I moved out of the house, my dad molested me. This is an extremely hard thing to admit publicily. There are a few people who know, but I never thought I would admit it to the world. You may be asking, "Well then why did you?" I shared this to help others realize that a control issues is a trust issue, because something happened and you are afraid to trust again. You may fool others, and even yourself, into believing you do trust God. Then the truth smacks you in the face, and you realize if you really did trust God, then you wouldn't try to "help out" so much.
As I said above, there is a lot of stigma about depression, anxiety, worry, and other forms of not being ok, in the Christian world. Well let me tell you right now, as Sheila says in her new book, It's Okay to Not be Okay. "Okay doesn't live here, but Jesus does." I'm not ok, but I don't plan on staying here. I plan on standing firm in this spiritual battle, and eventually becoming ok with the help of my Heavenly Father. Those who said it's not ok to admit when you're not ok, I leave you with some words to a song. If you have seen The Greatest Showman you have heard the song This is Me.
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
I don't apologize for who I am. God loves me just the way I am. I am enough. You are enough. Don't listen to the lies that Satan is telling you. God never expects us to be perfect. He doesn't expect us to always be ok. He just expects us to turn to Him again and again as often as we turn astray.
A few years ago I went on a spiritual retreat with a friend. I really enjoyed the weekend, and came home with a life verse, Isaiah 61:3 "to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord , that he may be glorified." I have carried around this verse, and the phrase "Beauty for ashes" since then. I didn't really understand what it meant, until the other day. I was listening to The Mother Crusher's Podcast. Kori was sharing about her battle with depression. Carolanne told her that, by her sharing her story, she was helping others who may have gone through something similar. Carolanne said that's the beauty from the Ashes of it. It hit me them, what that meant. Beauty From the Ashes is the good that God promises to bring out of everything.
Back to my problem with control. In one the books I am reading, I can't remember which one, it says that a person who has a control issue often has had some sort of trauma in their lives. I have had plenty of trauma in my life, but I think the main one, the one that sparked my control issues, and many other issues I struggle with, is that, since I was very young, until I moved out of the house, my dad molested me. This is an extremely hard thing to admit publicily. There are a few people who know, but I never thought I would admit it to the world. You may be asking, "Well then why did you?" I shared this to help others realize that a control issues is a trust issue, because something happened and you are afraid to trust again. You may fool others, and even yourself, into believing you do trust God. Then the truth smacks you in the face, and you realize if you really did trust God, then you wouldn't try to "help out" so much.
As I said above, there is a lot of stigma about depression, anxiety, worry, and other forms of not being ok, in the Christian world. Well let me tell you right now, as Sheila says in her new book, It's Okay to Not be Okay. "Okay doesn't live here, but Jesus does." I'm not ok, but I don't plan on staying here. I plan on standing firm in this spiritual battle, and eventually becoming ok with the help of my Heavenly Father. Those who said it's not ok to admit when you're not ok, I leave you with some words to a song. If you have seen The Greatest Showman you have heard the song This is Me.
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
I don't apologize for who I am. God loves me just the way I am. I am enough. You are enough. Don't listen to the lies that Satan is telling you. God never expects us to be perfect. He doesn't expect us to always be ok. He just expects us to turn to Him again and again as often as we turn astray.
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