Be a Dorothy

 

I have been hyper fixated on the tv show Hoarders lately. You can really tell that some of the regular people on the show, the psychologists, and the cleaners and organizers, really care. My most favorite is the organizer Dorothy. She really cares about the people she is helping. You can tell that by the way she looks at, and interacts with those people. The most important thing is that she realizes that hoarding is a mental health issue, and she doesn’t judge. There is, almost always, some sort of trauma that triggers the hoarding. This is true for almost any type of addictive behavior. Whether it be eating, shopping, drugs, alcohol, reading, or anything else. People turn to these things to escape the feelings that come from the traumatic event that occurred. They don’t know how to handle, or process those feelings, so they tie to whatever makes them feel better. Almost everyone has had some sort of traumatic event in their life. Some people can deal with the trauma in healthy ways, others don’t know how to handle the trauma, so they turn to whatever makes them feel better. 

There is a lot of stigma around mental health. I once overheard a conversation between two people. One said that she was stressed, the other said that she had noticed a rise in mental health issues lately. The other said no not mental health issues, I’m stressed. She said that in a way that sounded like having mental health issues was wrong, and nasty. Almost like someone would act towards a nasty, moldy piece of bread. Why should someone be looked down on because they had something happen to them, that they had no control over, and don’t know how to handle? This kind of attitude is what keeps so many from reaching out for help. The fear of being judged, and looked down on. There is no shame in not knowing something. We all don’t know things, we don’t know lots of things, but we can reach out for help, and learn those things. We can learn how to feel, and deal with, the difficult emotions that come with life. Don’t be a judgmental, discourager. Be a Dorothy. Someone who cares, who encourages, who helps, and who teaches. 

Some Hard Thoughts

 As you all may know, I’m on a journey of healing from past traumas. I’m seeking to learn why I do things the way that I do, to reframe my thinking (the Bible calls this taking every thought captive, and making it obedient to Christ), and to move forward with my life in a more freeing way where the trauma doesn’t affect me as much. Sometimes God gives me words of wisdom, that I like to write down and save. I remember one such nugget of wisdom given to me that I would like to share. “It’s hard to see the beauty in the ashes when you are in the midst of the fire, but we must trust that God is there with us, and will keep His promises.” It’s hard to learn the lesson, when you are in the middle of the trial. Sometimes, it’s only when you look back at it, that you realize what that lesson was. I have had one such moment recently. 

For more than 3 1/2 years I have dealt with extreme digestive issues. My primary doctor did some blood work, but didn’t find anything, and sent me to a gastroenterologist. The gastroenterologist did an endoscopy, and a colonoscopy. Endoscopy showed mild gastritis, and the colonoscopy showed possible celiac disease. The doctor did blood work for celiac. The labs came back positive for celiac disease, but 3 weeks later I still hadn’t heard anything from my doctor. I messaged him, and his response was, “oh yeah it appears you have celiac disease. Go gluten free.”, and that was the end of it. To me, that wasn’t extremely helpful. I had to do my own research to know exactly what gluten was, and what foods contained gluten. By this time I had been dealing with these digestive issues for a year and a half. My thoughts on this were, if he wasn’t going to be helpful, then I wasn’t going to see him anymore. I went completely gluten free, but the digestive symptoms didn’t budge. About a year later I decided to try a different gastroenterologist, and made an appointment. I saw the nurse practitioner, who did some tests, and finally told me she didn’t know what was going on, and I needed to see the doctor. I made an appointment with the doctor, but ended up with Covid at the time I was supposed to see him, so I had to reschedule. Instead of rescheduling me with the doctor, they rescheduled me with the nurse practitioner, again my thoughts were she wasn’t helpful so I’m not going to see her, and I cancelled the appointment. So now, a year later, I decided to give her one more try, but I went in armed with my own research, and my own thoughts on what was causing my issues. I told her what I thought it was, and asked to be tested, and she agreed. I got the test results back earlier this week. They were positive for exocrine pancreatic insufficiency. Exocrine pancreatic insufficiency is where the pancreas doesn’t make enough digestive enzymes, so the body cannot properly digest food, or absorb nutrients from that food. So on top of the damage to my intestines done by the celiac disease, which makes nutrient absorption difficult, I now have an issue with not enough digestive enzymes, which makes nutrient absorption difficult. In the past 3 1/2 plus years, I have become malnourished. My body couldn’t absorb the nutrients, and so many of my nutrient levels are low. Thankfully the treatment is simple, I have to take prescribed pancreatic digestive enzymes every time I eat.

So what does this have to do with lessons learned? Once I got the lab results confirming what I already knew, I got mad. Why didn’t any of my medical team think to check for this? Then I got to thinking about several other diagnoses, the celiac disease, and also one of the autoimmune diseases that really affects my life, Wegener’s granulomatosis polyangitis. All of them took several years to diagnose, and the Wegener’s granulomatosis polyangitis was misdiagnosed for many years before I got a correct diagnosis. That made me ever madder. Why did I have to suffer for so many years because my medical team didn’t think to check for these things? I look back over the years of health struggles, and see where my doctors have abandoned me, but then I realized that I have also abandoned me. When the doctor wasn’t helpful, I stopped seeing him or her. When they wouldn’t listen, I gave up. I didn’t stand up for myself, and I didn’t advocate for myself. This made the time to a correct diagnosis even longer. Maybe, if I wouldn’t have abandoned myself so much, if I would have advocated for myself more often, I wouldn’t have suffered for so long. This doesn’t excuse the medial personnel not thinking outside the box, or even digging deeper into the box, at all. It just shows me how I have felt abandoned so often in my life, that I learned to just give up, and abandon myself also. I didn’t notice this while I was going through it, but as I sit, and look back over the years, I can see, plainly, the times that I abandoned myself. This is one thing that I’m going to work on in the future. I’m going to work on advocating for myself more, standing up for myself more, and asking for help when I need it more. Will I be perfect at it? Absolutely not. But I do hope to see lots of progress in it. 

I had a therapy session this week, and my therapist and I were talking about this revelation of abandoning myself. We dug through this a bit, discussing how I have not only abandoned myself in my medical/health journey, but also in my relationships. My mentality has been, I’m going to leave them before they leave me, or I’m not going to be a burden by asking for what I need, or advocating for myself, so they don’t leave me. I left that session with my muscles tensed up, and hurting, and with a migraine. Something had definitely struck a nerve. I had a lot to do that day, with a bit of driving, and when I drive I like to either listen to music, listen to a book or podcast, mostly I like to have quiet so that I can think and pray. I don’t like to do a lot of driving, but driving is when I can get some good thinking, and praying done. I did a bit of listening to praise music, and a bit of thinking and praying during my driving that day. While I was listening to music, the song Breakthrough by Mandisa came on, and I realized that this was my breakthrough. I knew I had an abandonment issue, but it never occurred to me, that this wasn’t just a little abandonment issue, it was a huge abandonment issue, and from it stems the majority of the trauma issues in my life. When I got home, I sat down with my journal, and started writing out all the times I felt abandoned in my life. Starting at a very early age, at least 3 years old, probably younger, I have been abandoned, whether  it be physically, or emotionally. I’m not going to write all of them, but I will tell you there is a lot. No wonder I have such a big abandonment issue in my life. 

For 2026, I have decided, through prayer, that my overall theme is self-care, and each month will have a different word/theme to focus on. January was joy/distractions, I believe that February will be abandonment/advocacy. I’m going to work on dissecting my past to realize all the times I felt abandoned, recognizing how/when I’m abandoning myself, and advocate for myself. I’m going to work on asking myself what I need, then giving myself what I need, and asking for help when it’s needed. It’s going to be hard, but it’s what is needed to become a more authentic me. 

Thoughts on Exodus 29

 While reading in Exodus this morning, where Aaron and his sons are consecrated as priests, I noticed how much food items were required for offering. Some of it was eaten by the priest, but a lot of it was burnt. There were 2 lambs, each a year old,  each day, plus at least 2 quarts of flour mixed with 2 quarts of oil, and 2 quarts of wine. Then there were bulls, and goats, and I’m not really sure what else. That’s a lot of food, and that food is expensive. Then it occurred to me that sin is expensive. I wonder if that was part of it. God wanted us to realize how expensive sin really is. When Adam and Eve first sinned, it cost them their close relationship with God. Think of what our sins cost Jesus. He died on the cross, for our sins, as an ultimate sacrifice, and that cost Him so much.  When we sin, it costs us the close, intimate relationship with God that He so desperately wants for us, that we so desperately crave. We were made for relationship with God, our souls crave it, but sin costs us that relationship. Our sins also affect others. Our sins can push other people further away from God, or cause problems with other people. Our sins may also cause someone else to sin, thus affecting their relationship with God. Sin is so very expensive, but I’m so thankful that salvation is free. Jesus Christ came to Earth, as a man, lived a perfect life, died on the cross, bearing all of the sins of the whole world past, present, and future, and then He conquered death, hell, and the grave, and rose on the third day, providing us salvation at no cost to us. All it takes is to accept it. 

Good in the Bad

 So many people ask why bad things happen if God loves us. Well, the short answer is, because this is not Heaven. If everything were perfect, then we would be in Heaven, but we are still on Earth, so everything is not perfect. Sin has entered this world, so we have to deal with the imperfections of it. BUT, while God may allow the bad things to happen, He doesn’t allow them to be useless. He will make sure everything works out for our good, and His glory. There is always good is every situation. Sometimes it’s a lesson to be learned, sometimes it’s strength or courage, and sometimes we may not even see what that that good is. I do know that every time I have asked God to open my eyes to the good in a specific situation, He has. 

There is a saying, especially in the science world, that pain has a purpose. If you put your hand on a hot stove eye, and didn't have pain to tell you that it was hot, you would, potentially, leave your hand there, causing severe damage. I want to make it very clear here, God does not cause the pain, but He does use it for our good, and His glory. I have started praying through tough situations, asking God to show me the good, and asking Him to show me the purpose, the lesson that I can learn through it, or whatever it is that I need from the situation. God is faithful, and He will do it. And the most important thing to remember, when going through hard times, is that God loves you, unconditionally, and sacrificially, and that He is there holding you, giving you strength, courage, and everything else that you need. He has never failed me yet, and I don’t expect Him to in the future. 

Things I Learned From Watching Hoarders

 I never thought that I would learn something valuable about myself from watching an episode of Hoarders, but the other day I did. Hoarders is a tv show about extreme hoarders. Their hoarding is so extreme that it causes problems with their relationships, and with code violations. This particular  was about a Vietnam veteran, and his wife. Their daughter had threatened to call Adult Protective Services on them if they didn’t get their house, and yard cleaned up. On top of that, they had already had to pay several thousands of dollars in code violation fines, and were facing more, if their place wasn’t cleaned up. In each episode there is a mental health professional, and an organization professional. At the beginning of this episode the mental health professional was talking with the couple, and she said some things that made me pause the show, and write those things down. These things really made me think about my life, and how, and why I do things. This post I’m going to focus on one of the things that was said. The other two will, probably, get their own post. The quote for this post is as follows, “if you feel silenced, it’s very easy to silence yourself” 

I realized that, throughout all of my childhood, and much of my adult life, I felt silenced. I didn’t even know that I could advocate for myself. I didn’t know I could set boundaries, let alone what boundaries were. Now that I know better, I need to do better. When I need something I need to ask for it. What happens when I don’t ask for what I need? I bottle it up, resentment forms, anger forms, and then any little thing can trigger a huge explosion. I end up blowing up over a little thing, and I end up hurting those that I love the most. 

Although I’m better than I used to be, I’m still really bad about not taking care of myself. I put off much needed Dr appts, I procrastinate, or even skip altogether, exercising, and I don’t ask for help when I need it. While watching that episode of hoarders I realized the reason why I do that was because  I was silenced most of my life, so I learned to silence myself before someone else could silence me. 

Now, I have to learn to unsilence myself, and ask for what I need. It’s hard to do this, when for so long I have been living my life on mute. I know that God will help me, He will nudge to ask for what I need, and give me the courage to ask for it as well. Have you silenced yourself, because you have been silenced? Are you will to hit that unmute button, and ask for what you need? It’s going to be hard, but it will be so worth it. 

Crazy Things

 Has God ever told you to do something that you thought was completely crazy? This happened to me just the other day. I was driving home, it was drizzling, and chilly. I spotted something on the side of the road that looked like a chicken. I, strongly, felt God tell me to go back, and get that chicken. I’m ashamed to admit that I argued with God. What am I going to do with a chicken? It probably wasn’t even a chicken, it was probably a piece of trash, and I just thought it was a chicken. I turned around to go back, and I easily found it again. It was, most definitely, a chicken. I sat in the car for a few minutes, then got out to assess the situation. My thought was, I’m just going to move it away from the road. It was so close to the road, if it was any closer, then it would be on the road. So I picked it up, moved it over as far as I could, and set it down I got back in my car, and prepred to drive away. I wanted to hit the drive button, and drive off, but I couldn’t. The chicken was wet, shaking from cold, alone, and bloody. I was still asking God what I was supposed to do with a chicken. I felt Him ask me, so you’re just going to leave it on the side of the road to die alone and cold? Ouch! My heart was already hurting for this poor creature. I looked around my car, and my eye fell on a jacket I had left in the car. It can be washed, was my thought. I could wrap the chicken up in the jacket, and figure out something to do with it. Then I remembered a towel that my youngest daughter had left in the car. That would work perfectly. So I got out of the car, went around and got the towel, then wrapped the towel around the chicken, and set her in the front passenger floor board of the car. By this time she was audibly crying, it broke my heart even more. As I closed the car door I said to God, “ok so what am I going to do with this chicken?” We have 3 dogs, who would have probably tried to eat the chicken. God brought two people to my mind who may be able to help me. I called one of them, explained the situation, and she was willing to take the chicken to try to nurse it back to health. 

The next day, I got a text from my friend, the chicken didn’t make it, she had passed away. I cried. Even though I was expecting this, I was confused as to what was the purpose of me rescuing the chicken, for it to still pass away. I decided the purpose was for that chicken to know love and compassion before it passed, and for her to not be alone, cold, and scared when it died. I’m sure that chicken was meant to be on someone’s dinner plate. That she had fallen off of a meat truck headed to slaughter. I’m also sure that she had probably not had a good life. I was happy that I could show her love and compassion, and get her out of the cold rain, before she passed. This morning, during my quiet time, I was praying, and thinking. The chicken came to mind. I was still confused as to the purpose of me rescuing the chicken. I felt God say to me that the purpose was not to save the chicken’s life, it wasn’t even to show it love and compassion, although that was something good that came out of it. The purpose was for me to be obedient to Him. Ouch! How obedient was I really? I argued with God about turning around, I argued with Him about taking the chicken, I questioned what I was supposed to do with her, I acted like a child. Yes, I did what I was told to do, but not without arguing, and complaining first. As a parent, I know this is not obedience. God was showing me what I needed to work on, and how I need to be fully obedient to Him, without questions, and without arguing. Partial obedience is really just disobedience after all. So yes, God will ask us to do some crazy things, but there is always a purpose for everything that God does, and everything that He asks of us. We must be obedient to Him, and trust that He will bring good from everything. 

Distractions

 Distractions seem to be the name of the game lately. God is working on me on what I allow to distract me from what He has for me. Distractions can come in many forms. God has been showing me that being too busy, being worried and anxious, guilt, shame, and social media are distracting me from Him. 

I’m reading a book called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. In it she tells a story of a man, who God has asked to take a wagon of a few stones, up to the top of the mountain. Along the way, the man stops in each village, and is asked by multiple people to take something to the top of the mountain for them. The man does, because helping people is what God tells us to do, but soon, the burden becomes too much for him. God comes along and tells him tha he had picked up burdens that God has not asked him to bear, and that is why it all became too much. It made me realize that, when I pick up all the burdens asked of me, it becomes too much, because I pick ip things that God has not asked me to bear. So I’m doing an inventory of all tha I’m currently doing, and I’m going to lay down the things that are not of God. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. When I do that, I will be able to focus on what is of God, and all the things that God has for me. What are some of the things that gs that you have picked up, that are not yours? Are you missing out on all that God has for you because of these things?

My Thoughts on Genesis 25-27

 In 2026 I’m reading through the Bible with Daily Grace Co. I decided to start early because that will give a little wiggle room, I know there will be days that I will miss. This morning I read Genesis 25-27, and decided to share my thoughts. Isaac and Rebekah were both schemers and deceivers. They also played favorites with their children. Instead of trusting God’s way, and His will, they took matters into their own hands, and schemed, and deceived to get what they wanted. The worst part about it was that they taught their children to do the same things. The Lord God wasn’t the God of Esau and Jacob. You can see this in several different passages. In Genesis 26:34 we see that Esau took multiple wives, and they were foreign wives as well. In Genesis 25:29-33 Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of lentil stew, and some bread, and then he despised his birthright. 

  In Genesis 27:20 Jacob calls God, “your God”, when talking to Isaac. Jacob did not lay claim to God as his. In Genesis 25:29-33 Jacob tricked Esau into giving up his birthright, and then in Genesis 27:5-29, Jacob tricked Isaac into giving him Esau’s blessing. Jacob definitely lived up to his name. The name Jacob means “heel grabber” which was an idom for “deceiver”. 

  All of this caused Esau to hate Jacob, and Esau planned to kill Jacob as soon as the time of mourning for Isaac, after his death, was over. Jacob ended up having to flee for his life. 

   These chapters of Genesis really made me think about a few things. What are we teaching our children by our actions? Do we say one thing, and then do something completely different? Do we trust God fully, or do we take matters into our own hands, scheming and deceiving, to get what we want? Do we compare our children and/or play favorites, essentially turning them against each other, and possibly against God as well? I know I have been guilty of all of these in the past. I can’t change the past, but I can learn from it, and allow God to change me. I can also pray that God will heal the wounds that I have caused with my scheming and deceiving, and heal any wounds caused between others also. Please share any thoughts you have from these chapters in Genesis. I look forward to hearing them.