just started a new Bible reading plan a few weeks ago. I recently finished up the book of Genesis. One of the discussion questions for the end of Genesis was, “What visions or dreams do you have that you need to pick up and dust off?”. I could think of 3 dreams/visions of mine that I haven’t been actively pursuing lately, and to be honest I’m not sure if I even want to do them anymore. The first one is becoming a yoga instructor. I definitely want to continue to practice yoga, but I’m not sure if I want to teach yoga anymore. The second is writing. I haven’t been very consistent in writing blog posts. I do enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts, and helping others who may struggle with the same things I struggle with. It’s just that writing a successful blog takes a lot of time and energy. Time I usually have, energy not so much. The 3rd thing is crocheting. Again it takes energy that I just don’t have excess of at the moment. I do enjoy crocheting, and I want to want to crochet, but at this point I don’t.
The more I write this out the more I come to realize that I may be experiencing depression, and the fact that I want to want to do these things makes me believe it’s secondary depression. Meaning my health has caused the depression. I am so exhausted all the time, I can barely take care of myself on most days. It’s a struggle to even do the most basic of things. I want to do them, I just cannot seem to find the energy needed to do them. Which triggers the depression, which makes the exhaustion and my physical health even worse, which makes the depression worse. It’s a vicious cycle that doesn’t seem to want to stop anytime soon. I struggle daily with the guilt of having chronic illness and chronic depression and anxiety. I also struggle with the judgement of dealing with these things. Some people are extremely judgmental when it comes to mental health, and that judgement only makes things worse.
Just this past week was an extreme struggle. The chronic fatigue, pain, and other health issues I struggle with have been on overdrive. Most days I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in bed and sleep. But there are always things that need to be done. Dogs that need taken care of, cleaning that has to be done, and food that needs to be cooked. Then there is also personal self-care that I have to do, because I know if I don’t do them then it will make things even worse. Life is a struggle for real, and I know it’s not just for me. I know that so many people struggle with chronic health issues, or depression/anxiety, and it can be crippling at times. You are seen my friend. You are heard. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you are. Something I have learned recently is that my feelings are always valid, but they are not always true. I may feel like I’m unseen, unheard, and alone, but I’m not. Maybe so much of this comes from being unseen and unheard as a child. From being emotionally neglected. That kind of thing takes a toll on a person, especially a child. I wasn’t seen or heard by people as a child or teenager, but I do know that I was seen and heard by my God. He was always there with me holding me and taking care of me, and now that I’m an adult I do have people that care. Sometimes their struggles makes it hard for them to see or hear me, but they do their best. Most importantly, I still have, and always will have my El Roi, God who sees me, and El Shama, God who hears me. And so do you my friend.
Im not going to make any decisions on my visions/goals at the moment. I’m not giving up on them just yet, but I also may not be actively pursuing them either. I will let God walk with me through this trial and then allow Him to show me which goals and visions I should pursue and which ones need to be set aside.
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