Forgiveness

 Forgiveness is a tough thing for many people. I have struggled with it myself. I wanted to share a few things that I have learned about forgiveness in my journey to forgive several people in my life. I have had people ask me how I can forgive for the horrible things done to me. Well, it has been hard. It has taken a lot of tears and a lot of prayer. The most important thing is to ask God to help you. First, I asked God to help me to want to forgive, then I asked Him to help me to forgive. The first step of wanting to forgive is the hardest step, but of course none of it is easy.  

            One thing that I learned that really surprised me is that forgiveness is not a one-time thing. The enemy will continue to bring up the offense to you, so that you will get angry and bitter all over again. Then you must choose to forgive again. Satan is really sneaky about this too. You will be doing so good, living your life, not even thinking about the grievance that was committed against you, then all of a sudden, it’s right there in your face, the trauma, pain, and shame is there all over again, and so is the anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. It’s like you are right where you started again. This is where you must choose to forgive again. I have experienced this by having to forgive my parents for the neglect and abuse that they have put me through throughout my life. I can be living my life not even thinking about them when something will trigger me, and the pain of abandonment, neglect, or abuse from my childhood comes crashing back to me. It is then that I must choose to forgive them all over again.

            Something that many people do not realize is that forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, and it does not mean that you must open the door to a relationship where you are consistently getting hurt. You are allowed to set boundaries, and you are allowed to close the door to a relationship if it is needed, but this should not be done hastily or without lots of prayer. For example, my biological mother told me that she did not have to abide by my boundaries because she gave birth to me and boundaries do not apply to her and she can do whatever she wants. This is when I realized that, although I forgave her, I cannot have a relationship with her, as much as that hurt me to do.

Boundaries are biblical, and necessary to a healthy relationship. We also must wield boundaries correctly. We cannot just expect someone to know what our boundaries are, it is our responsibility to communicate our boundaries effectively. Matthew 18:15-17 says, “¹⁵ “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. ¹⁶ But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ ¹⁷ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” We must communicate with others how we feel, and how we want to be treated.

            Forgiveness is very important to our lives. If we don’t forgive then that unforgiveness is like a poison slowly killing us. It burns us from the inside out, making us angry and bitter with the whole world. Not only that, but Matthew 6:15 says, “but if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Ephesians 4:32 says “and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” These verses tell us that forgiveness isn’t just for others, it’s for us as well. Because God has forgiven us our sins, we must also forgive others their sins. I know it’s not easy, but nothing really worth doing is easy.